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I’ve been wearing some rather bright shirts in the name of visibility this week. But today, I…

I’ve been wearing some rather bright shirts in the name of visibility this week. But today, I reverted to my more common mental health stuff and had on a plain one that just said HOPE IS DEFIANT on the back.

I’ve held onto hope for the CotN as much as I can, which for a long time now has simply been by the tips of fingers that are shaking with exhaustion. Coming to this gathering, I had very much expected to be further disheartened and to leave having finally been able to release it.

However… some statements made this week do put in perspective the events that are going on here… and they give me a much more solid hope that the movement of the church toward a living out of healthy, holy love instead of the muddied legalism that has lurked for so long (not always completely in the shadows) might actually possible someday.

Hope is defiant, but it is so much more than that. It is expectant… and I am expecting, in defiance of my time here, that the willingness to speak against the damaging consequences of the actions taken by people who are still too stuck in shame to even recognize it yet will make a difference.

Hope is defiant, but it is also protective. And I choose to sit tonight in the truth of the hope of heaven and the safety of the Church universal. While there are many in upheaval, I am focusing on the love and accountability of those with whom I am truly journeying. I am settled in the protective, expectant hope that God is at work even when we cannot see.

And I am thankful for leaders who are speaking out at personal risk and sometimes at great cost. As a young pastor who still isn’t quite to middle age… I am one who is watching.

Keep believing, friends. The air today was refreshingly cool.

June 14, 2023
As I have spent time with my “spiritual family of origin” this weekend, I have been reminding…

As I have spent time with my “spiritual family of origin” this weekend, I have been reminding myself that I have just as much right to be here as anyone… and I have been so thankful that even though most who would care to see me have reached glory, God is raising up a new generation who welcomes me to the table even when the larger “family” would rather I be gone.

Even just knowing that I’m not the only black sheep gives me hope that maybe it won’t always be quite as lonely as these last few years have been.

This came across my feed as the service tonight was ending. And as I process the day, it landed squarely. It made me sad but also gave me something to hold onto. I won’t betray my siblings or myself any longer. The secrets are harming people, and I will not be loyal to the systems of oppression and violence that are pushing people off the branches of the family tree.

I love you all.

June 12, 2023
The wedding went off with very few hitches! We are so thankful to have been able to celebrate…

The wedding went off with very few hitches! We are so thankful to have been able to celebrate Jeffrey and Carolyn last weekend, and that none of the problems we imagined came about. It just goes to show how much time can be wasted fretting.

We’re on the way to Indianapolis today. It’s not the first time we’ve headed to General Assembly as a summer trip, but only time will tell if it is the last.

After this trip, we’re in the countdown to a lot of life changes. I accepted a position with Heartland 180 Inc. in Wyandotte County. I’ll be taking on the role of Parent and Family Support Coordinator as of July 1. It’s a big transition for our household, but we’re believing God is in it.

Life marches on, and we are thankful to still be marching with it.

This week, we are focused on people. Those we know and many we don’t, those we like, and many we’ve long avoided. I don’t care who they are anymore, this is the week to love out loud… like I was taught to by generations of the faith-full before me.

Years of learning and healing are now behind us, with a lifetime of them yet to come. Here’s to thriving this week and moving on to whatever is next.

Be safe if you’re traveling. Be gentle with yourself if you’re struggling.

I love you, friends.

June 9, 2023
There are a lot of emotions swirling around this morning. I don’t know how much of an ending this…

There are a lot of emotions swirling around this morning. I don’t know how much of an ending this is, but at the close of my second pastoral position in Kansas City, the building grief weighs heavy.

The gift of balance allows me to also see what has been gained from the brief times in each place. Clarity has certainly increased, at least in some ways… and where that is lacking, direction has been made known for the continued journey.

I have never wanted to be a pastor less than I do these days. But the call has never been clearer or made more sense. The coming weeks and months will hold much of my own work to be done as I continue to engage with the pain inflicted by the church that cuts deeply into all the aspects of who I am so that I can continue to be and live as a, healthier person in holy love.

The Church of the Nazarene was the foundation upon which I was raised. Its heart for people love for the world, and call to holiness raised me into the person I am today.

But, church… we have to do better. The black-and-white thinking on almost everything may be easy, but it leaves no room for the beauty of creation.

Adhering to rules is not holiness… especially when shame is how we ensure that adherence. In shame, there is no room for love. And without love, we have escorted God out of the church. Then it’s just a courthouse… and the shaming judgments issued there place us all into cells of isolation.

I’m leaving the building today, not the call, the Church, or my faith. But I’m leaving the courthouse.

I might’ve ignored it before
or tried to erase it. Today, I’m holding space for the whole of life. Good and bad, happy and sad, easy and hard…

Whether I ever officially pastor again in the Church of the Nazarene or not, it will always be part of my history.

It’s history

You can’t rewrite it

You’re not meant to be

Trapped inside it

Every tear brought you here

Every sorrow gathered

It’s history

But every mile mattered

Every road and every bend

Every bruise and bitter end

All you squandered, all you spent

It mattered, it mattered

Mercy always finds a way

To wrap your blisters up in grace

Every highway you’d erase

It mattered, it mattered

But it’s history

It don’t define ya

You’re free to leave

It all behind ya

Every tear brought you here

Every sorrow gathered

It’s history

But every mile mattered

-Nicole Nordeman

May 29, 2023
This very well sums up where I feel like I am these days. I have wished with every fiber of my…

This very well sums up where I feel like I am these days. I have wished with every fiber of my being that so many different pieces of life wouldn’t come down to what they have…

But they did. And the only choice I have is how to live well in what the circumstances are or living in a fantasy world that will not allow real love or foster true connections.

I’ll take real and connection over pretend and performance any day… even in circumstances I wish hadn’t needed to happen in my time. And I’m so thankful for those both older and younger who are making the decision to stand in authentic love, too.

It’s not easy, but it’s real.

Let’s change the world, friends…

One love at a time.

May 25, 2023
I did a thing today… and I’m not free to say precisely what it is yet. But it’s a big thing that…

I did a thing today… and I’m not free to say precisely what it is yet. But it’s a big thing that is difficult to fully process the impact of.

The reality is that so much of life has both positive and negative that have to be held simultaneously. Good things may have sadness around the edges, and it has been difficult to see the good sometimes because it is counter to what I was always told good would be.

I’m called to ministry. I believe I’m called to pastor. There has been so much affirmation of the effort I have put in and the work I feel called to do. But as I listen to what God is saying, I’m thankful that there are things that fill in space and time and needs when my obedience takes me to uncomfortable places.

Thank you to all who believe in me… you have loved me through to a place where I believe in myself.

Welcome to the weekend and the next week of the rest of our lives.

I love you, friends!

May 19, 2023
I heard a story from a video I was watching last night about a person who was wearing a shirt that…

I heard a story from a video I was watching last night about a person who was wearing a shirt that labeled them unworthy, which had been given to them by people who should have loved them.

Man, did that hit hard.

Talking around the reality of shame and its impact on my life, there is a growing understanding of some of the more insidious cracks through which it has crept in and the holes in which it gathers.

Recent weeks have given me the sense that I’ve been handed a shirt that labels me unwanted. It’s not a new shirt by any means. Over the years, I’ve tried to get rid of it. It’s stained, and dirty, and torn. But it keeps coming back from the most hurtful of places. And the people handing it to me expect me to wear it.

Each time I get that shirt back, the shame message with it tells me that if I were more willing to stay broken, then I might be able to fit in… but to do so would have me sacrificing pieces of myself on the altar of conformity instead of finding the places where the healthy, balanced person that I was created to be fits in.

I hate how much grief there is in the process of becoming… how much pain there is in the tearing down and rebuilding. But having spent the day yesterday doing hard things, having hard feelings, and sitting in discomfort, I am so thankful to see the places where I am able to be me and am welcomed, wanted, and loved.

Places where people who are also journeying toward health allow me to show up as myself, no labeled shirts required or handed out. Just love.

If you’ve been handed shirts that label you things that are keeping you stuck in shame, I’d invite you to acknowledge what those labels are. In places that are safe to do so, name the things that you have worn for too long. And allow the love of those around you to wipe out the shame that has kept you from healing.

Maybe you don’t have a healthy community in which you can be honest near you. I’ve been in that position. And just because I’m not in that same place anymore doesn’t mean you’re all alone.

Send me a message, or feel free to call. Shame thrives in isolation. Don’t let it.

I love you, friends.

May 12, 2023
I have officially entered a time in my life when Facebook memories can be dangerous. Sigh.Here’s…

I have officially entered a time in my life when Facebook memories can be dangerous. Sigh.

Here’s what I’m reminding myself of tonight:

Setting boundaries around what behavior I will welcome in my inner circles is healthy.

Speaking the truth is often not going to be popular.

It’s normal and understandable that the losses from doing hard things like setting boundaries will still hurt and require time to grieve.

I’m sad tonight. This last year has been hard.

Be kind to yourselves.

I love you, friends.

May 7, 2023
In May of 2009, Sean and I had survived the first year of being married and were working through…

In May of 2009, Sean and I had survived the first year of being married and were working through what changes we would be making as he resigned his first teaching position. We had lived in a tiny town in Kansas for just one school year, and staying was not an option. With no other good options coming up, grad school beckoned and over the summer we moved to Wichita.

Me and my high school diploma hadn’t settled into any kind of long-term career, and it wasn’t long before I got bored and decided to get a job.

Friends that had been in my life since I was a child were living there and offered me an opportunity to apply for an administrative position supporting mental health professionals. It seemed like an intriguing proposition since I had always thought maybe I would consider something in this field when I grew up. So, I went for an interview with the director.

I got that job. And I worked there until it was no longer an option. I learned a lot… about the church, the industry, people… myself. In a little over two years, I grew in that place in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined.

The director there had two sons that appeared in the office from time to time. Two little boys that I couldn’t imagine ever identifying with or knowing beyond deep down, wishing I’d had the cushy life they had been born into.

It’s so easy to write someone else’s story when you don’t know them.

Life changed, the church churched, and the job was no more. A number of the professionals there moved on to different things, that director included. And I assumed that would be the end of that. Those boys would live their life of ease, and someday I might see them on social media jet setting and comfortable.

It’s been almost 14 years since I met these kids. I don’t even recognize the me I was then… I certainly wouldn’t know them if not for all the life that the time between has held.

Today, I’m watching one of them graduate from high school. The tiny kid that used to hide in his dad’s office is this amazing young man who has worked hard, grown up and is seeing the fruits of his efforts today. Over the years, I’ve seen him become such a kind, gentle, loving, smart, funny human being. He is fun to play games with, hilarious to have a conversation with and dives into fun with my kids regardless of the age difference.

I’m so thankful that family trees have such tremendous capacity for growth, that seasons can change, and new things can blossom in spring on branches we might have thought were dead in the winter…

I’m blessed to see that there is health growing in places that have long laid dormant. It’s life-giving to see these next generations being given different roots.

In the midst of what feels like constant change, this reality gives me hope. Stormy skies or beautiful blue ones… intentionally choosing love puts down lasting roots.

You never know which acquaintances will turn to friends, and which friends today will be family tomorrow. What could it hurt to just love them all now?

May 6, 2023
I am so grateful to have been able to serve under Tammy’s leadership, even for a short time. This…

I am so grateful to have been able to serve under Tammy’s leadership, even for a short time. This transition is not without the deep sadness of many leavings, but we go believing that God is in it, and I am so proud of her dedication to living into health.

The coming month will be a difficult one. But growth comes from exertion. Thanks for praying, friends.

I love you.

May 3, 2023