This very well sums up where I feel like I am these days. I have wished with every fiber of my being that so many different pieces of life wouldn’t come down to what they have…
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This very well sums up where I feel like I am these days. I have wished with every fiber of my…
But they did. And the only choice I have is how to live well in what the circumstances are or living in a fantasy world that will not allow real love or foster true connections.I’ll take real and connection over pretend and performance any day… even in circumstances I wish hadn’t needed to happen in my time. And I’m so thankful for those both older and younger who are making the decision to stand in authentic love, too.It’s not easy, but it’s real.Let’s change the world, friends…One love at a time. -
I did a thing today… and I’m not free to say precisely what it is yet. But it’s a big thing that…
I did a thing today… and I’m not free to say precisely what it is yet. But it’s a big thing that is difficult to fully process the impact of.
The reality is that so much of life has both positive and negative that have to be held simultaneously. Good things may have sadness around the edges, and it has been difficult to see the good sometimes because it is counter to what I was always told good would be.I’m called to ministry. I believe I’m called to pastor. There has been so much affirmation of the effort I have put in and the work I feel called to do. But as I listen to what God is saying, I’m thankful that there are things that fill in space and time and needs when my obedience takes me to uncomfortable places.Thank you to all who believe in me… you have loved me through to a place where I believe in myself.Welcome to the weekend and the next week of the rest of our lives.I love you, friends! -
I heard a story from a video I was watching last night about a person who was wearing a shirt that…
I heard a story from a video I was watching last night about a person who was wearing a shirt that labeled them unworthy, which had been given to them by people who should have loved them.
Man, did that hit hard.Talking around the reality of shame and its impact on my life, there is a growing understanding of some of the more insidious cracks through which it has crept in and the holes in which it gathers.Recent weeks have given me the sense that I’ve been handed a shirt that labels me unwanted. It’s not a new shirt by any means. Over the years, I’ve tried to get rid of it. It’s stained, and dirty, and torn. But it keeps coming back from the most hurtful of places. And the people handing it to me expect me to wear it.Each time I get that shirt back, the shame message with it tells me that if I were more willing to stay broken, then I might be able to fit in… but to do so would have me sacrificing pieces of myself on the altar of conformity instead of finding the places where the healthy, balanced person that I was created to be fits in.I hate how much grief there is in the process of becoming… how much pain there is in the tearing down and rebuilding. But having spent the day yesterday doing hard things, having hard feelings, and sitting in discomfort, I am so thankful to see the places where I am able to be me and am welcomed, wanted, and loved.Places where people who are also journeying toward health allow me to show up as myself, no labeled shirts required or handed out. Just love.If you’ve been handed shirts that label you things that are keeping you stuck in shame, I’d invite you to acknowledge what those labels are. In places that are safe to do so, name the things that you have worn for too long. And allow the love of those around you to wipe out the shame that has kept you from healing.Maybe you don’t have a healthy community in which you can be honest near you. I’ve been in that position. And just because I’m not in that same place anymore doesn’t mean you’re all alone.Send me a message, or feel free to call. Shame thrives in isolation. Don’t let it.I love you, friends. -
I have officially entered a time in my life when Facebook memories can be dangerous. Sigh.Here’s…
I have officially entered a time in my life when Facebook memories can be dangerous. Sigh.
Here’s what I’m reminding myself of tonight:Setting boundaries around what behavior I will welcome in my inner circles is healthy.Speaking the truth is often not going to be popular.It’s normal and understandable that the losses from doing hard things like setting boundaries will still hurt and require time to grieve. -
In May of 2009, Sean and I had survived the first year of being married and were working through…
In May of 2009, Sean and I had survived the first year of being married and were working through what changes we would be making as he resigned his first teaching position. We had lived in a tiny town in Kansas for just one school year, and staying was not an option. With no other good options coming up, grad school beckoned and over the summer we moved to Wichita.
Me and my high school diploma hadn’t settled into any kind of long-term career, and it wasn’t long before I got bored and decided to get a job.Friends that had been in my life since I was a child were living there and offered me an opportunity to apply for an administrative position supporting mental health professionals. It seemed like an intriguing proposition since I had always thought maybe I would consider something in this field when I grew up. So, I went for an interview with the director.I got that job. And I worked there until it was no longer an option. I learned a lot… about the church, the industry, people… myself. In a little over two years, I grew in that place in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined.The director there had two sons that appeared in the office from time to time. Two little boys that I couldn’t imagine ever identifying with or knowing beyond deep down, wishing I’d had the cushy life they had been born into.It’s so easy to write someone else’s story when you don’t know them.Life changed, the church churched, and the job was no more. A number of the professionals there moved on to different things, that director included. And I assumed that would be the end of that. Those boys would live their life of ease, and someday I might see them on social media jet setting and comfortable.It’s been almost 14 years since I met these kids. I don’t even recognize the me I was then… I certainly wouldn’t know them if not for all the life that the time between has held.Today, I’m watching one of them graduate from high school. The tiny kid that used to hide in his dad’s office is this amazing young man who has worked hard, grown up and is seeing the fruits of his efforts today. Over the years, I’ve seen him become such a kind, gentle, loving, smart, funny human being. He is fun to play games with, hilarious to have a conversation with and dives into fun with my kids regardless of the age difference.I’m so thankful that family trees have such tremendous capacity for growth, that seasons can change, and new things can blossom in spring on branches we might have thought were dead in the winter…I’m blessed to see that there is health growing in places that have long laid dormant. It’s life-giving to see these next generations being given different roots.In the midst of what feels like constant change, this reality gives me hope. Stormy skies or beautiful blue ones… intentionally choosing love puts down lasting roots.You never know which acquaintances will turn to friends, and which friends today will be family tomorrow. What could it hurt to just love them all now? -
I am so grateful to have been able to serve under Tammy’s leadership, even for a short time. This…
I am so grateful to have been able to serve under Tammy’s leadership, even for a short time. This transition is not without the deep sadness of many leavings, but we go believing that God is in it, and I am so proud of her dedication to living into health.
The coming month will be a difficult one. But growth comes from exertion. Thanks for praying, friends. -
When addressing problematic behavior, we should never question whether physical violence has…
When addressing problematic behavior, we should never question whether physical violence has occurred to gauge whether or not abuse is happening. Abuse is not only physical. Full stop.
In the church, we have become so tolerant of behaviors that violate a person’s humanity that this seems to be one of the primary ways we judge whether someone is validated in standing up for themselves.The diminishment of a person in physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual ways (and all the other forms therein implied) is abuse.If you have spoken up and been silenced, if you have spoken up and been dismissed, if you are still trying to find your voice… I’m listening. I’m holding space for you. I will stand up for you.Whether I know you personally or not, you matter. Beyond race, gender, orientation, denomination, belief… beyond any classification of humanity, I am here if you need help surviving any abusive situation. -
Sometimes triggers are just unavoidable. They walk into places where you are, and you have to live…
Sometimes triggers are just unavoidable. They walk into places where you are, and you have to live through your body’s response to them. Even if you would rather try to avoid them, sometimes there is no way…
That’s when past healing is evident, and ongoing healing is able to happen.I’m so thankful that a different ending happens more and more. So many people have been part of the journey to different with me… And today, I’m grateful beyond words for a dear, pastoral presence in our lives and her care for myself and my family.Being in a place where we can be real, where trauma-informed ministry isn’t a far-off wish, where love is constant and tangible… it is such a reparative space for all the parts of me that still just want to run away.Sunday is coming to a close. I don’t know what this coming week will hold for you, but I pray you are gentle with yourself.I love you, friends. -
The loss of a generational line is not one I was expecting to struggle with quite as much as I…
The loss of a generational line is not one I was expecting to struggle with quite as much as I have. But with Sean’s grandfather’s death two months ago leaving only one grandparent in our family, Sean also connected tonight that Grandpa Ed’s passing now left no one in that role…
My kids knew the love of some awesome great-grandparents, though. That’s a gift I never experienced, and I’m confident they are better for it.
These men and women of tremendous strength and humility all lived love out loud until the very end. In their own ways, they each showed me what grace is and taught me how to offer it to others.
They loved well, they lived well, they sacrificed much, and I am blessed to come from such a line.
In days of such upheaval in my spiritual family of origin, I am so thankful to have known this gift of a family that did hard things, even when they weren’t popular.
May I be known as their descendant.
Hug your people, friends. Love big; life is short.
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I needed this last night. Trauma activation hit hard. Shame spoke loudly.But, God. My closest…
I needed this last night. Trauma activation hit hard. Shame spoke loudly.
But, God.
My closest circles spoke back, reminding me of truth; calling out the lies in my brain’s response. They lovingly pulled me back to reality, offering space to feel in safety and coregulation until my mind and body returned to its own balance.These tapes that play in my head have been and continue to be re-recorded into messages of healthy self-love, balance, reality… and truth. I have the skills and ability to be able to find balance on my own quite often these days because I’ve learned that process. And I very much lean into the reality that community is essential to healing.I was broken in community, and I am being healed in community.This book offers a lot of insights into the practices of how I ended up where I am. Recognizing the roots of shame, not only in my life but in humanity, and digging through the layers of trauma that have occurred to be able to confront it has not been a simple journey.To be able to stand firm, speak truth, and break the cycles of damage have been so worth it, though.If you have questions about how to get started, how you’ve ended up where you are, whether there’s any hope for anything different… I’m always available.Isolation is the breeding ground for shame. You do not have to sort it all out alone. Reach out. I’ll hold space for you. I’ll hope when you just can’t.