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  • Seven years ago today, I had worked through the night to get as much office work done as possible…

    Seven years ago today, I had worked through the night to get as much office work done as possible before Ean made his entrance, and I took this picture of my computer monitor sometime in the middle of the night. Labor was keeping me awake anyway, so I decided to be productive.


    Sean had put this sticker on my computer sometime in the months before we got to this point, and it stood out to me that night. Pregnancy hormones were a beast, and the reminder was an important one many times over.

    This week, it was timely to see it pop up again.

    I don’t have that computer anymore, we don’t live in that state anymore, I don’t go to that hospital anymore, the baby that I was terrified wouldn’t survive that night turned 7 today.

    In the midst of all the chaos, I hold onto the truth that it will be okay… and today, I am thankful to live in the reality that it is also already okay even when it isn’t.

    Happy Wednesday, friends. Hold onto hope.
    I love you!


    placeholder-image Seven years ago today, I had worked through the night to get as much office work done as possible...


  • I was at Shawnee Nazarene Academy yesterday morning to do a professional development presentation…

    I was at Shawnee Nazarene Academy yesterday morning to do a professional development presentation for the teachers on emotional regulation. It was tough to prepare for in this period of chaos, and my anxiety wouldn’t let me do anything more than handwritten notes. Added to that, the fact that going into church spaces makes my blood run cold right now made the morning rough.

    I was panicky on the way and couldn’t stop crying. By the time I got there, I had calmed down enough to go in, but I was unsure how it would go.
    Flashback to last fall. We had just started at SNA before my trip to Africa. Stepping into the quiet of the sanctuary at Shawnee Church of the Nazarene, God met me in that space.
    I wrote a post about it at the time and shared pictures at https://www.threepurplehearts.com/…/i-stepped-into… This morning, I was seeking to steady myself before I joined the group, so I went back into that sanctuary.
    I’ve been in and out and through there since then for programs and quizzes and school things… But there’s something different when it’s just me. When the lights are off, and the sun is shining through the windows, it reminds me who I am… and whose I am.
    And I think I had forgotten about the how important those things were to remember until I went in there again yesterday morning. But as I knelt to pray, I noticed it again… and it was like coming home.
    The presentation went super well. The teachers were engaged far more than I had even dared to hope they would be. The principal was affirming of the direction and the information. And we had a small crowd of people talking about how to raise emotionally healthy kids into the leaders we believe they can be someday.
    Some days I feel like a caterpillar that is still fighting to get into the cocoon… but yesterday, that purple butterfly reminded me that, in so many ways, I’m already flying.
    Whatever stage of change you’re in, keep going. It’s worth it to do the hard things now for tomorrow to be better. And you’re worth the effort!
    I love you all!
    1f49c I was at Shawnee Nazarene Academy yesterday morning to do a professional development presentation...1f49c I was at Shawnee Nazarene Academy yesterday morning to do a professional development presentation...1f49c I was at Shawnee Nazarene Academy yesterday morning to do a professional development presentation...

    placeholder-image I was at Shawnee Nazarene Academy yesterday morning to do a professional development presentation...


  • Last week was one of the strangest I’ve experienced in a long time… maybe ever, if I’m honest….

    Last week was one of the strangest I’ve experienced in a long time… maybe ever, if I’m honest. Conversations and meetings and all kinds of things changing but in ways that indicate a unifying of purpose and clarifying of direction.

    It’s been really amazing to live into health and get to see some of what that looks like in all the different roles. As a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a pastor, an employee, and a colleague… in all the ways that I bump into the world, I am able to show up as myself.
    Today, though, anxiety hit. I don’t know why. I was in the middle of training for one new job when I got the paperwork to complete for the acceptance of another. And the overwhelming fear that I would let both organizations down landed like a lead weight in the center of my chest.
    Holding onto reality and knowing that I know what I know is easier some days than others. That’s just the truth. Living from that truth is easier some days than others, but it is still true.
    I’m so thankful to be able to share that in addition to joining the team at Heartland 180 in KCK (www.heartland180.org) at the beginning of July, I have also accepted a position as Affiliate Development and Volunteer Coordinator for the National Alliance on Mental Illness in the KCK Affiliate (https://namikansas.org/nami-kansas-city-kansas/). NAMI is a fantastic organization whose commitment to advocacy, support, and the growth of those living with the impact of mental illness is something I can deeply identify with.
    In addition to this change, there have been numerous other areas where doors are opening to engage in healthy practices and share the impact of finding balance with people. As the community of people willing to put forth the effort to find this same balance in their own lives continues to grow, I am encouraged… and terrified.
    Both are true.
    Thanks for being here, friends… for sharing things that keep me afloat, believing in me, and doing hard things in your own lives.
    I love you all.
    1f49c Last week was one of the strangest I’ve experienced in a long time… maybe ever, if I’m honest....1f49c Last week was one of the strangest I’ve experienced in a long time… maybe ever, if I’m honest....1f49c Last week was one of the strangest I’ve experienced in a long time… maybe ever, if I’m honest....
  • I woke up with a start today. Nothing specific happened; no sound or flash caused it. It was just…

    I woke up with a start today. Nothing specific happened; no sound or flash caused it. It was just the weight of the week suddenly landing, I think… and a deluge of tears came with it.

    This morning, my family has no church home to head to. We are still working out where we will land after the sudden loss at the end of May. Since that time, we have traveled and visited, we have found community beyond the walls of the traditional church, and gone back to our COVID experience to fill this educational time of the week. It is not perfect or sustainable, but it is this season for us.
    For the moment, I’m just laying here in the silence of my nearly (finally) settled and cleaned house, weeping over the loss of a church that never wanted me anyway. I grieve for all who have been unwanted before me… and in a very deep way, I grieve for those who are still looking away.
    The abused will never belong unless the church chooses to actively stand against the abusers and make it safe for them to do so. That’s what I want in a church. And that’s what the church of the Nazarene has declared time and again to be of too great a liability. This reality communicates to a hurting crowd of people that the cost of caring for them is too great… that they aren’t worth it.
    It is all well and good to say that you “believe that this circumstance can be redeemed,” but that belief falls flat without sacrificial action living into it. Simply stating that you “see this as an opportunity to emphasize the call of the church to be a safe harbor for children and youth” does nothing to hold accountable the abusers of all kinds who are arriving today to the place where they have unfettered access to vulnerable people because of the lack of accountability and structures to prevent it. Those systems (or the lack thereof) that allow people to be harmed have been replicated worldwide, and the victims are increasingly unwilling to remain silent… even if the church largely does.
    As long as the church is content to settle into the safety of closing statements that offer themselves comfort without allowing for or requiring healing work to be done, it cannot be the Church God calls.
    My family will likely worship online somewhere this morning. We are continuing to clean house, both the house built around us and the emotional house that provides a haven around our hearts. This is all that is safe enough to do today, and I believe God is present in our desire to gather… and with us in our inability to do so.
    I pray that if you gather, it is in safety this morning; that you have a Church home that allows your family to worship with the body of Christ in a way that is holy and healing. I pray that if you have suffered at the hands of a church that has been silent for too long, that God shows up for you today… because that is not his Church.
    Do not let the shadow of shame darken your heart. There is hope… not the fluffy wish that things will be better, but the weighty expectation that change is coming. Grieve what is necessary, and breathe in the freedom of new life.
    You aren’t alone.
    If you need to talk, I’m always here.
    I love you.
    1f49c I woke up with a start today. Nothing specific happened; no sound or flash caused it. It was just...1f49c I woke up with a start today. Nothing specific happened; no sound or flash caused it. It was just...1f49c I woke up with a start today. Nothing specific happened; no sound or flash caused it. It was just...
  • I’m so thankful to have had a day full of beautiful connections and the gift of seeing God work in…

    I’m so thankful to have had a day full of beautiful connections and the gift of seeing God work in places I was always led to believe he couldn’t possibly… since they weren’t “Christian.” If not for the hope that healing brings, despair would set in.

    Pay attention, friends. Darkness sometimes hides behind blinding, artificial lights, and the trust we place in people we can’t see clearly puts many at risk.
    Even if the “circumstance can be redeemed,” 1f92e I'm so thankful to have had a day full of beautiful connections and the gift of seeing God work in...1f92e I'm so thankful to have had a day full of beautiful connections and the gift of seeing God work in...1f92e I'm so thankful to have had a day full of beautiful connections and the gift of seeing God work in... real people are harmed… and it’s happening too much for either the harm or the tepid responses to be excusable.
    I’m not sharing links because I’ve run across them enough today for a lifetime, and I don’t want to trigger others. But news stories and court documents are available if you’re interested.
    Pray for the people of Susanville, CA, and the children and adults worldwide who are dealing with the impacts of this man’s choices.
  • Driving home this morning after denominational meetings this last week. Well… Sean is because he’s…

    Driving home this morning after denominational meetings this last week. Well… Sean is because he’s amazing.

    It was such a different week than I expected it to be. From start to finish, there were surprises at every turn. And though I primarily expected them to be bad surprises… they were a solid mix, leaning heavily toward good.
    I find myself cautiously optimistic today. It’s not that anything specific went remarkably better than expected, but so many people leaned into such hard things that I can see hope for a time when we might move into discomfort as a community of healing rather than run from it.
    And I am beyond thankful that the ending to the week was a significantly encouraging conversation with someone that I didn’t even know was really watching… and then a sibling in Christ refusing to shame me for my tears, instead taking from them courage to be more vulnerable themself.
    I don’t always get it right. If I’m honest, I feel like I fail more than I succeed in the church. But I’m learning that how I define success and failure is very much tied to messages and scripts that have been handed down from generations of shamed ones who didn’t know how to pass on anything else.
    I don’t have to accept it. I can learn what I need to from it. I can pass on holy love from here.
    Farewell from Indianapolis.
    Go expecting. Go in hope. Go in discomfort.
    Go change your world.
    I love you all.
    1f49c Driving home this morning after denominational meetings this last week. Well… Sean is because he’s...1f49c Driving home this morning after denominational meetings this last week. Well… Sean is because he’s...1f49c Driving home this morning after denominational meetings this last week. Well… Sean is because he’s...
  • I’ve been wearing some rather bright shirts in the name of visibility this week. But today, I…

    I’ve been wearing some rather bright shirts in the name of visibility this week. But today, I reverted to my more common mental health stuff and had on a plain one that just said HOPE IS DEFIANT on the back.

    I’ve held onto hope for the CotN as much as I can, which for a long time now has simply been by the tips of fingers that are shaking with exhaustion. Coming to this gathering, I had very much expected to be further disheartened and to leave having finally been able to release it.
    However… some statements made this week do put in perspective the events that are going on here… and they give me a much more solid hope that the movement of the church toward a living out of healthy, holy love instead of the muddied legalism that has lurked for so long (not always completely in the shadows) might actually possible someday.
    Hope is defiant, but it is so much more than that. It is expectant… and I am expecting, in defiance of my time here, that the willingness to speak against the damaging consequences of the actions taken by people who are still too stuck in shame to even recognize it yet will make a difference.
    Hope is defiant, but it is also protective. And I choose to sit tonight in the truth of the hope of heaven and the safety of the Church universal. While there are many in upheaval, I am focusing on the love and accountability of those with whom I am truly journeying. I am settled in the protective, expectant hope that God is at work even when we cannot see.
    And I am thankful for leaders who are speaking out at personal risk and sometimes at great cost. As a young pastor who still isn’t quite to middle age… I am one who is watching.
    Keep believing, friends. The air today was refreshingly cool.
    1f49c I’ve been wearing some rather bright shirts in the name of visibility this week. But today, I...1f49c I’ve been wearing some rather bright shirts in the name of visibility this week. But today, I...1f49c I’ve been wearing some rather bright shirts in the name of visibility this week. But today, I...
  • As I have spent time with my “spiritual family of origin” this weekend, I have been reminding…

    As I have spent time with my “spiritual family of origin” this weekend, I have been reminding myself that I have just as much right to be here as anyone… and I have been so thankful that even though most who would care to see me have reached glory, God is raising up a new generation who welcomes me to the table even when the larger “family” would rather I be gone.

    Even just knowing that I’m not the only black sheep gives me hope that maybe it won’t always be quite as lonely as these last few years have been.
    This came across my feed as the service tonight was ending. And as I process the day, it landed squarely. It made me sad but also gave me something to hold onto. I won’t betray my siblings or myself any longer. The secrets are harming people, and I will not be loyal to the systems of oppression and violence that are pushing people off the branches of the family tree.
    I love you all.
    1f49c As I have spent time with my “spiritual family of origin” this weekend, I have been reminding...1f49c As I have spent time with my “spiritual family of origin” this weekend, I have been reminding...1f49c As I have spent time with my “spiritual family of origin” this weekend, I have been reminding...

    placeholder-image As I have spent time with my “spiritual family of origin” this weekend, I have been reminding...


  • The wedding went off with very few hitches! We are so thankful to have been able to celebrate…

    The wedding went off with very few hitches! We are so thankful to have been able to celebrate Jeffrey and Carolyn last weekend, and that none of the problems we imagined came about. It just goes to show how much time can be wasted fretting.

    We’re on the way to Indianapolis today. It’s not the first time we’ve headed to General Assembly as a summer trip, but only time will tell if it is the last.
    After this trip, we’re in the countdown to a lot of life changes. I accepted a position with Heartland 180 Inc. in Wyandotte County. I’ll be taking on the role of Parent and Family Support Coordinator as of July 1. It’s a big transition for our household, but we’re believing God is in it.
    Life marches on, and we are thankful to still be marching with it.
    This week, we are focused on people. Those we know and many we don’t, those we like, and many we’ve long avoided. I don’t care who they are anymore, this is the week to love out loud… like I was taught to by generations of the faith-full before me.
    Years of learning and healing are now behind us, with a lifetime of them yet to come. Here’s to thriving this week and moving on to whatever is next.
    Be safe if you’re traveling. Be gentle with yourself if you’re struggling.
    I love you, friends.
    1f49c The wedding went off with very few hitches! We are so thankful to have been able to celebrate...1f49c The wedding went off with very few hitches! We are so thankful to have been able to celebrate...1f49c The wedding went off with very few hitches! We are so thankful to have been able to celebrate...
  • There are a lot of emotions swirling around this morning. I don’t know how much of an ending this…

    There are a lot of emotions swirling around this morning. I don’t know how much of an ending this is, but at the close of my second pastoral position in Kansas City, the building grief weighs heavy.

    The gift of balance allows me to also see what has been gained from the brief times in each place. Clarity has certainly increased, at least in some ways… and where that is lacking, direction has been made known for the continued journey.
    I have never wanted to be a pastor less than I do these days. But the call has never been clearer or made more sense. The coming weeks and months will hold much of my own work to be done as I continue to engage with the pain inflicted by the church that cuts deeply into all the aspects of who I am so that I can continue to be and live as a, healthier person in holy love.
    The Church of the Nazarene was the foundation upon which I was raised. Its heart for people love for the world, and call to holiness raised me into the person I am today.
    But, church… we have to do better. The black-and-white thinking on almost everything may be easy, but it leaves no room for the beauty of creation.
    Adhering to rules is not holiness… especially when shame is how we ensure that adherence. In shame, there is no room for love. And without love, we have escorted God out of the church. Then it’s just a courthouse… and the shaming judgments issued there place us all into cells of isolation.
    I’m leaving the building today, not the call, the Church, or my faith. But I’m leaving the courthouse.
    I might’ve ignored it before
    or tried to erase it. Today, I’m holding space for the whole of life. Good and bad, happy and sad, easy and hard…
    Whether I ever officially pastor again in the Church of the Nazarene or not, it will always be part of my history.
    It’s history
    You can’t rewrite it
    You’re not meant to be
    Trapped inside it
    Every tear brought you here
    Every sorrow gathered
    It’s history
    But every mile mattered
    Every road and every bend
    Every bruise and bitter end
    All you squandered, all you spent
    It mattered, it mattered
    Mercy always finds a way
    To wrap your blisters up in grace
    Every highway you’d erase
    It mattered, it mattered
    But it’s history
    It don’t define ya
    You’re free to leave
    It all behind ya
    Every tear brought you here
    Every sorrow gathered
    It’s history
    But every mile mattered
    -Nicole Nordeman

    placeholder-image There are a lot of emotions swirling around this morning. I don’t know how much of an ending this...