It struck me as a little bit funny that the people who said these things would likely not appreciate what has happened since I took their words to heart… more sad than funny, I guess. Maybe it was more of a wry chuckle that escaped.
Happy Tuesday!
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It’s Sunday morning again. It’s Sunday morning and I am very aware of it. It’s Sunday morning and…
It’s Sunday morning again. It’s Sunday morning and I am very aware of it. It’s Sunday morning and it is finally not only grief that dawns. For so long, there has been a sadness that has come with a Sunday morning sunrise.
Though there are no duties associated with this day anymore, that loss has been heavy. Though there are still places where people gather, I notice the weight of the lack of community in this time and space of the week more often than most others.This Sunday feels a bit different… and I’m not fully sure why. Maybe it is the space in my heart that has been growing with the steady presence of those who truly want to deeply know and be known. Maybe it is the beauty that comes with the darkening sky of my time in ministry with the spiritual family of origin into which I always hoped I would really fit someday.As the sun sets on another chapter in life even as so many new things are dawning, it seems to be important to hold space for those who have already crossed into the morning after they are no longer pastors, and those for whom the sky is just beginning to grow dim.Wherever you find yourself this morning, whether filling a pulpit or sleeping in, whether sitting in a pew or at the table drinking coffee. Whether you are so far away from home that you don’t even know it’s morning there or down the street from the place you once served…I see you, friend. I see the pain in your eyes, I can feel the reluctant relief, I identify with the questions that still come up about who and when and where you might ever be able to serve again… let alone where you are now.If you are, like I am, still working out what the call looks like to live out when the church would rather deny it… don’t give up.I am holding onto hope for you. I am believing and walking with you and for you as you keep moving forward. And if the moving forward looks like calmly waiting in this season, I sit quietly in my heart with you and for you.Thank you for your courage to lean into the hard and holy work of healthier living than was handed down to you. Be gentle with yourself as you continue discovering both the costs and the benefits to doing so. You are changing the world for the better, and I am thankful for you.I love you.To those who may be glad to see me “out of the way”… I pray you will come to know grace like you have never experienced, that you will never understand how painful it is to be cast aside becauset you will not choose dollars over people, and that you encounter holiness in its purest form which can only lead to a transformation that finally teaches you to live live out loud.This has not been the way, family… but it’s not too late to choose better.I love you.To everyone else… who is just confused or has stuck through this long post but isn’t sure why… thank you. I am so very well aware that my brain puts words together in ways that can be exhausting to some. You, who stuck with me, who encourage me, who believe in me, who have held onto hope for me… you have loved me back to life. And now I get to live.I love you.
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This last two weeks has been a whirlwind of activity. As it has drawn to a close, endings are on my
This last two weeks has been a whirlwind of activity. As it has drawn to a close, endings are on my heart. A look back at the endings of the past… the knowledge that these will not be the last… and an accounting of the blessings that have come with being willing to endure the pain of them to continue living into who we were created to be.
It is so strange to think that we only lived two years in this home. The growth we saw as individuals and as a family seemed much greater than two years could hold. But here we are, looking back with the advantage of hindsight, seeing the grace that brought us here and the space it holds out ahead of us as we go.Thank you to all who have been part of our Kansas City journey. We are so glad that leaving a beloved home does not mean that the people are gone. Time moves on and we will look forward to seeing you and celebrating life whenever we see you again.Breathe in memories, breathe out hope.I love you all. -
We marveled at the sunset as we headed to our Missouri home one last time tonight. As another…
We marveled at the sunset as we headed to our Missouri home one last time tonight. As another chapter ends, my heart is both full and heavy. These kids have worked so hard this year, and there were so many amazing indications of just how much they have taken to heart what we’ve been working on. I hold so much hope for them as they grow up leaning into doing hard things.
I have learned so much by spending time with them, hearing their stories, battling shame and sitting with heavy feelings together. This is a group to watch, I think. Their fierce love for each other and the world around them will change it… and it certainly has changed mine.Tomorrow, we hit the road to Wichita. I’m sure we’ll be back to Kansas City from there more than we’ve been back to Texas from here. Still… it is a bittersweet leaving.We grieve.We grow.We love.Sunset to sunrise, I love you all. -
17 years ago, on this exact day… I met this guy in person for the first time. That is one of the…
17 years ago, on this exact day… I met this guy in person for the first time. That is one of the craziest facts of my life.
For him to stick with me after that night… to choose to make a commitment to the person I was then… and to still be choosing me after all these years takes my breath away.16 years ago tonight, we got married in Olathe. In a small chapel there, surrounded by a tiny group of people whose bets as to how long we would stay together were all over the place… we made vows to each other. Though the words we say have shifted over time and the expressions of love look different now, the heart of who we were back then has grown into a beautiful example of what is possible when two people stick it out.Sure… we have had our days, weeks, sometimes months that we struggled. Thankfully, they are fewer and farther between these days. We’ve hit our stride in the last couple of years and it is glorious.We aren’t leaving KC quite as quickly this year as we did after the wedding, but the looming transition makes me more thankful than ever to have this man by my side as we move on.Here’s to seeing what the next year brings, who we’ll become, and where we’ll land… together.Happy anniversary.I love you, Sean. -
Sigh. This is a difficult reality to sit with.Be sure to show up for yourself… sometimes you’re the
Sigh. This is a difficult reality to sit with.
Be sure to show up for yourself… sometimes you’re the only person who will.I’m exhausted this week. I need the 21st to get here soon so that I can go home and settle into real life. Until it does, I’ll keep working on holding to the tenuous balance that I have attained and believing that people who aren’t committed to making me the villain are real and will stick around.People will write you into their stories however it suits them. Show up for yourself. Be authentically present and unapologetically real.Happy Wednesday.I love you!💜💜💜 -
This… Still… Again… Always. I hate that it is a much needed reminder in my life. And yet, I…
This… Still… Again… Always.
I hate that it is a much needed reminder in my life. And yet, I am thankful to know it to be true that the status quo is not worth protecting and that the God I serve is big enough to move outside of the systems and structures that have done harm to try and maintain it.April is ending. Two years have flown by. In May, we move on. What lies ahead is unknown. But there will be both time for grieving what was not to be, and space for growing into what is. Thanks be to God.Be kind to yourselves today.Drop your shoulders.Relax your eyebrows.Lower your tongue from the roof of your mouth.Breathe deeply.Change is often both sad and good. And that’s okay.I love you, friends. -
Happy Easter from the ”temple” by our Missouri home. We have driven by this place so many times…
Happy Easter from the ”temple” by our Missouri home. We have driven by this place so many times during our time living in Missouri. Ean, in particular, has been intrigued by it and insisted that we take Easter pictures there before we move away.
It’s been an interesting few years in Missouri. And as I was reminded this morning, the good news was nonsensical. It was nonsense first to the disciples, so it shouldn’t be surprising that the church still struggles to hear new things that seem unbelievable.As our time in Kansas City draws to an end, I am thankful to have these two boys who serve as daily reminders of God’s faithfulness and the transformative work of the resurrection in my own life.I am so thankful for another sunrise. And even when I go trembling, I will continue to walk into them proclaiming love. -
I am so glad that the pain of Friday and the silence of Saturday didn’t linger any longer than they
I am so glad that the pain of Friday and the silence of Saturday didn’t linger any longer than they did. And this year, more than ever before, I’m holding out hope for the coming sunrise. Not because of anything that this particular Sunday morning will hold… It’s really more a claiming of and clinging to the hope that not even the worst pain ends.
This world is hurting, people are just trying to survive… myself included some days.But the sun rises. Every single day, the sun appears again. No matter how dark the night before. No matter how broken the heart. No matter how long the day felt. No matter what.The sun will rise in the morning.And there’s hope in that.This season has been strange. Change is constant. Loss abounds. The people and places that were safe and stable are different now. Darkness seems to hang on. Through it all, I hold onto the hope of all that is celebrated in the sunrise of the coming Sunday.Keep breathing, dear ones. When the structures you thought would support and protect you instead try to crush you, keep breathing. When those who should be consistently honest and true instead lie about you, cheat on you, and steal from you, keep breathing. When everything is dark and you can’t see any change coming, keep breathing.Remember the beautiful sunrises you’ve seen. And know that it is coming again.I love you, friends. And I desperately pray hope finds your hearts today. And that you see the brightening of a sunrise on the horizon.l reactio