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  • abuse

    This. Every last word of this post.

    It’s why my children are not able to experience church like it was when my mom grew up in it, or like I did.
    It’s why I live by “trust but verify.” And when the verification is, “it’s church… it’s fine.” I can no longer trust.
    It’s why I am not quiet about what the church would rather be handled in secret.
    We have to deal with the “addiction to ignorance,” as Dan Scott puts it. That cannot be done until the church admits it. And from what leadership in my branch of the American, Evangelical church is saying, they are not admitting it because it would cost them too much money… which clearly implies they are more comfortable paying in human suffering, individual pain, and ultimately the lives of those sacrificed on the altar of this addiction.
    The narratives around why young people are leaving the denomination of my family’s history are varied. Most boil down to being stubborn, to being willful, to being disobedient, to having been lost to the current culture… none are true for me. I haven’t even left. But the church desperately wishes I would… and if I’m honest, I am on the way out largely because of their unwillingness to acknowledge this exact issue.
    The dogged determination to place the blame for sexual deviance at the feet of absolutely anything but the refusal to even talk about human sexuality is creating increasing space for the harm to continue. They are willing to live in the false safety of that space, allowing the perception of accountability to hide the ongoing harm.
    No more. I, for one, won’t sit quietly and watch this continue. The trauma has continued for too long. The shame-based control was never showing the love I know to be truth of the gospel message. And I’m done pretending like any of it is okay.
    It’s past time for change, church.
    If you’ve suffered at the hands of high-control, shame-based religion… if you’ve been abused by the church… if you are working out your own path now, because you know there has to be something better and the truth still beckons you…
    I see you. I love you. I’m here for you.
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  • plowshare

    The last few weeks have been filled with a surreal mix of past, present and future. Sunday felt like a kind of jumble of it all, and gave me much to consider as life marches on. Spending the early morning in ministry, the middle of the day in community, and the evening hours considering whether the two will ever meet again… I was keenly aware of just how many times I noticed where I was, the people I was with, and the feelings I had swirling around because of it all.

    Grief sometimes sneaks up quietly. This time of year when changing to a new season happens at a time that has become a celebration of both life and death, when the darkness of loss meets the beauty of life and a fresh start… it’s never the simplest of seasons. Not fall or Thanksgiving. Not winter or Christmas. And with each passing year, the dramatic differences seem to be equally hope-full and sorrow-full.
    Some days, the dance of life is slower. At times, the steps feel to mostly move me backward. This year, the losses weigh a bit more and my whole system is ready for a holiday to just stop life for a bit.
    I came across the song below as I was processing things this last week. As I have moved into the heaviness of this week, I have been listening on repeat and so thankful that I am learning to keep dancing even when everything in me would rather not. In continuing, in moving forward, in choosing growth and healing even when the systems around me would say that I am moving backwards… there is an increasing recognition of what I always believed should be possible.
    Faith remains. The words of prayer may have shifted, but the heart behind it hasn’t.
    I pray that this prayer finds you wherever you are, that you are moving toward health, and that you can be kind to yourself tonight.
    If that’s a struggle, if you’re needing to be reminded that you are loved and lovable just as you are right now… don’t hesitate to reach out. Because you are worthy just as you are. You are enough.
    I love you.
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    Plowshare Prayer
    by Spencer LaJoye
    Dear blessed creator, dear mother, dear savior
    Dear father, dear brother, dear holy other
    Dear sibling, dear baby, dear patiently waiting
    Dear sad & confused, dear stuck & abused
    Dear end of your rope, dear worn out & broke
    Dear go it alone, dear running from home
    Dear righteously angry, forsaken by family
    Dear jaded & quiet, dear tough & defiant
    I pray that I’m heard
    And I pray that this works
    I pray if a prayer has been used as a sword
    Against you & your heart
    Against you & your word
    I pray that this prayer is a plowshare of sorts
    That it might break you open
    It might help you grow
    I pray that your body gets all that it needs
    And if you don’t want healing
    I just pray for peace
    I pray that your burden gets lighter each day
    I pray the mean voice in your head goes away
    I pray that you honor the grief as it comes
    I pray you can feel all the life in your lungs
    I pray that if you go all day being brave
    That you can go home, go to bed
    Feeling safe
    I pray you’re forgiven. I pray you forgive
    I pray you set boundaries & openly live
    I pray that you feel you are worth never leaving
    I pray that you know I will always believe you
    I pray that you’re heard
    And I pray that this works
    Amen on behalf of the last & the least
    On behalf of the anxious, depressed & unseen
    Amen for the workers, the hungry, the houseless
    Amen for the lonely & recently spouseless
    Amen for the queers & their closeted peers
    Amen for the bullied who hold in their tears
    Amen for the mothers of little Black sons
    Amen for the kids who grow up scared of guns
    Amen for the addicts, ashamed & hungover
    Amen for the calloused, the wisened, the sober
    Amen for ones who want life to be over
    Amen for the leaders who lose their composure
    And amen for the parents who just lost their baby
    Amen for chronically ill & disabled
    Amen for the children down at the border
    Amen for the victims of our law & order
    I pray that you’re heard
    And I pray that this works
    I pray if a prayer has been used as a sword
    Against you & your heart
    Against you & your word
    I pray that this prayer is a plowshare of sorts

  • bloom

    It was a strange set of circumstances that combined to fill my time last week. The death of someone of familial importance, and a visit from my kindergarten Sunday School teacher collided with what life is now… full of parenting, work, ministry, and more. A hurried visit from my mother quickly brought to mind many things from both time periods… fluidly moving me from now to then and back again.

    The smell of cattle in the fall always flashes me back to a simpler time in life. This time was no different. Our trip to the funeral of that family member this past weekend was laced with people I have known my whole life, scents that have long meant home, and time spent in a place that likely never will be again. Returning to the present to do life and community in new and healing ways, I very tangibly became aware just how much change can happen in the grand scheme of things even when it feels like so much is standing still each day.
    And now, as a new week begins, as life marches on… love scatters on the winds of change. Moving outward from a life lived authentically and intentionally in pursuit of health. Moving inward from everywhere that other people are doing the same.
    May the fruits of life always be such. Sometimes in hard lines that say “No more” to the systems and structures that do harm, hide harm, and allow harm… and sometimes in soft smiles and comforting presence… always, only love.
    I’m calling it a night. Tomorrow is a new day… and from these wee hours of today it seems far away. But I don’t know what change it holds… and in that truth is the hope of a lifetime.
    From my tiny fish pond to your heart… look for the beauty in change today. If it never happened, the flowers couldn’t bloom.
    I love you, friends.
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  • another voice

    The reality he talks about in the video is what makes it so difficult to just walk away. The exertion of that type of insidious power structure for decades of a life does damage. It’s difficult to find yourself beyond it, or to find health within it.

    One of the statements I have come to deeply believe as someone who is still working out healthy faith on the other side of a spiritual family of origin that claimed to believe that women were equal to men but didn’t live it out is that I cannot deny what I do not know. Self awareness (which is the enemy of the blind compliance that would have let me remain in that spiritual family) allows for choice, and that choice is what empowers a deeply authentic spirituality.
    I’m thankful for all the people who are speaking this truth so that I can absorb it and believe that I’m not the problem child for pointing it out.
    If you’re also relearning how to speak to yourself as Jesus did. Remember that no matter who you are, how you identify, or what you have done… it starts with love.
    Shoulders down.
    Relax your eyebrows.
    Drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth.
    Hand on your heart.
    Deep breath.

  • unspiral.life

    I hate being cast as the villain in the narratives others write… but I refuse to make choices that force me to be the villain in my own story.

    If me holding boundaries makes me a problem for you… maybe consider whether there’s a reason you feel the need to force the issue.
    I’ve put in the work to know my place. And I’m standing in it.
    Want to find out where you belong? I love talking circles on the journey of unspiraling. Send me a message at www.unspirallife.com and we’ll find a time to connect.
    You’re worth the effort, friends. It will take time, but starting now is better than never starting.
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  • You are.

    Wow… This one really caused me to think. It’s not a totally new concept. But the application of it, and the extent to which that application could fit… What a difficult thought.

    Not a light read. But the recognition helped me, and so I share.
    Know yourself as the beloved. No matter who you are or where you find yourself on the journey, you are invincibly precious and worthy of gentle care.
    “Inside the church, I wasn’t given tools for self-regulating when afraid, probably because no one was present to the extreme nervous system dysregulation we were accommodating. And I certainly wasn’t given any real comfort in light of my fears. I’ve been learning, though, and I have a pack of friends who have had to do this same work. We breathe, we stretch. Sometimes we dance. We can’t seem to stop grieving. And we keep trying to get to know a God who is never surprised, never panicked. We try our hardest to pick up a bit of Her peace and tuck it like a stuffie in the crook of the arm, while we lie next to one another in the dark.
    You are the Beloved.”
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  • different

    I am so thankful to be finding more and more spaces where I am encountering other people living this out.

    Yesterday, I got to sit with someone from whom I couldn’t imagine being more different. We talked at length about life and all we have learned from the living we have each done. Realistically, while there are ways in which we are dramatically different… there are many ways in which we are very much alike.
    And even though we may disagree on things big and small, because both of us approached our time with kindness and curiosity we left the table aware of our shared humanity and with common ground from which to move forward.
    It is absolutely possible to disagree with people and still be kind, to still respect them, to deeply desire the best for them, and to live love out loud.
    Stay curious, friends.
    Consider points of disagreement within yourself.
    Sit with those areas in which you are still learning to fully exist.
    Be kind to yourself.
    And then love beyond.
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  • breathe

    I sat in two places yesterday where there was discomfort in remaining. Both discomforts were stretching personally. One was somewhere that I desperately didn’t want to be, the other is somewhere that I want to want to be. The first space was somewhere that represents great harm in my life, the second is somewhere that seems to represent the reality that even great harms can heal.

    There are so many choices that have to be made on the journey that we are all traveling. At any given point of choosing, there is the opportunity to take a deep breath and lean into discomfort, or to run from it. Both are valid choices in varying situations. Either may be what is needed to continue making progress. No one but the person on the journey can determine what’s right when it comes down to it.
    When you have a choice… beyond the trauma responses, beyond the shame… when you really are in a place of awareness, health, and growth where a choice is possible… The power is in the breath. That moment can change everything.
    I’m not sure whether yesterday’s breathing was sufficient to each choice. Only time will tell. But rather than allowing the trauma responses to wreak havoc in the morning, or the fear of greater harm to cut off growth in the evening… I kept breathing. And one foot in front of the other, life has moved forward.
    You don’t have to choose everything now. You don’t have to be ready to leap, or run, or even get moving.
    Just breathe for now. Intentionally. Deliberately.
    Hand on your heart.
    Drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth.
    Lower your shoulders.
    Relax your eyebrows.
    Slow, deep breath.
    And just because it gave me hope to see this… here’s my youngest living into the reality that choosing differently can present new options to those who are coming behind me. I asked him after he helped serve communion last night if he had been nervous. He looked so very serious the whole time that I wondered if he was just powering through. “Nope,” he said. It wasn’t about him, or them, or anything beyond taking part in a means of grace of which he understands (as much as he can at 8 years old) the importance. By his age, I already questioned so much in church settings… he doesn’t. Choosing differently laid a new foundation for him.
    I see you doing hard things.
    It’s okay to be proud of yourself.
    I love you, friends.
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  • little me

    Oh, to have the chance to be so kind to the me that survived all the pain to get here…

    I’m so thankful that I have had, and still do have, the opportunity to change how I talk to myself. I hold little me gently these days, moving with compassion, firmly holding onto the truth that the love I show others is a direct reflection of the love I show myself.
    May you live into the healthy and healing love of which you have always been deserving today.
    Hand on your heart.
    Drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth.
    Lower your shoulders.
    Relax your eyebrows.
    Slow, deep breath.
    You’re safe here.
    Stay as long as you need.
    I love you.
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  • friends

    Well, this hit deeper than I was prepared to experience on a random Tuesday morning. I suppose it makes sense that when trauma starts young, this reality also would.

    “I’m finally realizing that the only friends I’ve managed to keep long-term are the ones who’ve also experienced trauma–the ones who’ve lived through the pain of abuse, anxiety and depression, or profound loss.”
    That resonates. And anymore… it’s with the added caveat that those who choose to stay in that long-term meaningful relational space are people who are also choosing to do the hard work of healing from the deep pain and loss they have experienced. It’s not without joy, neither is it all fun and games. It’s life, and we are living it to the fullest.
    Facebook is not where these deep relationships are usually found or consistently lived out. They take intentionality, time, effort… Social media isn’t the space for that. And the hardest thing about being an adult is figuring out where they do exist, and what it looks like to maintain them.