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  • peace

    I have said for some time now that a peace which was never made cannot truly be kept. Many people are speaking these days about peacemaking and how very different it is from peacekeeping. And this statement was a part of that journey that was missing perspective for me.

    “I was taught that keeping quiet kept the peace… until I realized whose peace is it keeping. Oh, right. The offender’s at peace, the people who don’t want to deal with it at peace, and I in this little body am holding all of the war. So, l don’t want to hold it anymore.”
    It recently came to my knowledge and understanding that someone I trusted and whose perspective I valued determined me to be too unhealthy to do what I am doing because of my physical size. It’s so easy to look at someone and know whether they are healthy or not, right? To know what they should do to “appear” as they should if they were really “healthy.”
    I could go on all day about the wall that exists when we prioritize perception over reality. Sigh.
    The reality is that I spent almost 32 years having to be able to hold a war that wasn’t mine just to survive. I contained that war for far longer than I ever should have because I didn’t know any better. And my body holds the scars of that.
    On top of the war I contained, the genetics I was born with held the fallout of wars from generations gone by. Strong people in my lineage have worked to hold the entirety of wars in their time in order to keep peace and stay alive. Individuals did the work of armies in order to empower me to greater possibility and health. So many before me only had the chance to survive… Now, my body has evidenced that struggle to simply exist, and it is benefitting from the healing that has occurred and that will continue.
    I grew up believing I was only worthy if… that there was nothing good about me unless… and my body knows all about the impact of the lies it internalized in order to get me to this place in ways that I am still discovering.
    Today, I’m documenting for myself and those who may need to know it around me that I will not contain the war at my own expense any longer. I start hard conversations. I lean into the fray. I do my own work, and I will be accountable for the spaces and ways in which I fail.
    AND… I will not apologize if that doesn’t look right to people who aren’t close enough to me to know reality.
    If you would like to live in the perception that you are perfect, avoid me in 2025. Because none of us are, and I’m not pretending anything to keep peace anymore.
    I’m making peace with myself, with my immediate surroundings, with the world in which I exist. And I am living the life for which I have long fought. It’s a battle which has made and revealed peace internally which I never dreamed possible. And it is a continuing work that will likely have ongoing benefits.
    Whether any of them are ever evidenced by the size of my body or not, I will do good. I will be kind. I will live love out loud. And I will not be shamed into silence by those who would be more comfortable if I existed as they would have me.
    As the year resets, the world around me freezes, and I prepare for what is to come… I’m more ready than ever, and also thankful to keep finding areas within me that I can work on. I’m not done until I’m dead. And I’m not dead yet.
    In this last week of the year, I’m counting lessons. They’re not all pleasant, but I’ve learned so much, and I for that I am thankful.
    Look for peace, friends. Real, true, authentic peace. And if you’re seeing it in everyone around you but not within you… consider different. Consider new. Consider change. It’s happening anyway, so choose what’s next.
    I love you!
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  • Advent

    Peace… What a strange word, a foreign concept, and a welcome reality. I have for sometime held the belief and advocated for the truth that a peace cannot be kept which has never been made. For the first time in a long time, I am seeing the benefits of the peace that has been made; for which we have fought, grown, survived, lost, grieved… and I am also getting a glimpse of how it looks to keep it.

    This season, Advent has been a whole different experience. It has been interesting to see how the themes are naturally arising in life as it progresses. These are natural rhythms of grace beyond the structure that always seemed critical.
    Today, around our table, we will reflect on the hope we have encountered in this season, and we will speak peace into the coming week. As I prepared for this time together, I was reading about Mary’s song… how it looked for her to speak about a tangible peace, a lasting peace, a concrete change in circumstances that was rewriting people’s lived reality. This quote that I read from our Illustrated Ministry materials caught my attention:
    “The more public [hope] is, though, the more of a threat it becomes. The more Mary’s words began echoing in the streets, the more people start humming along, the more dangerous the world becomes for her. But she knows this: it has always been this way. To take aim at the powers that be means becoming a target yourself. And she has been instructed by the angel: “Do not be afraid.” She has the hope she inherited from Hannah and the Psalmist to let her know she’s not alone in this imagining, this yearning for a better day. She carries both of those in her heart. And in her hands, perhaps, she carries the tools to begin building a better world.”
    In that is the hope that we need in these days… as well as the challenge for us each and all of us to make the peace it will take to find our place in the ongoing story of redemption.
    How will you make peace in the coming week? How can I? Not just keeping the false peace that has been handed down by structures of oppression and violence that have benefitted from leading us to believe they were the peacegivers… but really and truly hoping forward into a peace that surpasses our ability to understand. What will that look like in the coming week?
    Let us move forward making peace by living into the health that we are learning is possible. May we make peace with the life within us so we can offer authentic peace to those around us. May it spread like Mary’s song of hope did. Look around for the tools that are already available to you, pick them up, feel their weight, recognize the power they contain, and find a place to begin or continue the work of peacemaking this week… look inside, look around. Start with yourself, however possible. And let it spread.
    You’re worth the effort, and you’re capable of being the change.
    I love you.
    1f49c Advent1f49c Advent1f49c Advent
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  • Hope

    I think that hope was spoken into existence this week in ways that I could never have imagined that it was even possible anymore. As unusual as a lego flame adorning plastic candles with “stained glass” in the background… the strangest of hopes spring to life.

    Phone calls, emails, work, life… today has been busy from start to finish.
    My littlest kid has an appointment with a doctor I trust to help me help him be healthy. My employees are gearing up to begin services that seemed unfathomable just a few short months ago. My wonderful home has Christmas spread in and around it. My biggest kid is slowly regaining some balance after med adjustments. My class is wrapping up and this certificate is halfway completed. My eyes are heavy and I feel like rest is not far off.
    The grief side of hope is still there. Losses are not far from my mind. Friends who are no longer. Family that has shifted dramatically. There is a deep sadness that is recognized anew in the flickering light of fresh hope.
    Still I press on. I stand in the truth of who I am. I show up for myself and as myself. And I love.
    I’m off to sleep. Tomorrow is another day…
    I’m holding out hope for you, friend.
    It may show up where you least expect it, so keep an eye out.
    I love you.
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  • Christmas

    The Christmas season has been slowly creeping into our home over the last few weeks, so Advent settled in softly this morning. Early morning conversation across the miles, a nap (because the work of healing is EXHAUSTING), and then we had family worship around our dining room table.

    It is another different kind of year. Each one seems to be building on the last. The culture of our home is different as we grow, physically, intellectually, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. As we reflected together on this Sunday of hope, I took firm hold of the belief that by the end of this week, the end of this season, the end of this year… we will be looking forward with fresh eyes and a new perspective. Growth enables that, allows for that, and empowers that.
    I pray that you had time to notice all you have to be grateful for in this past week. And as we officially step into all that comes with the transition from fall into winter, from Thanksgiving into Christmas, from then to now… I desperately pray that you know you are invincibly precious, and that we are holding out hope for you.
    From our house to yours, welcome to Advent.
    You are loved, friends.
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  • done.

    When you would like to know why I no longer trust the Church of the Nazarene USA/Canada, when you wonder why my children are not allowed to be overseen by almost anyone just because the church was deemed “safe,” if anyone would like to know why I will not stop and will not be quiet when people like Keven Wentworth on the North/East Texas District Church of the Nazarene and Eddie Estep on the Kansas City District Church of the Nazarene tell me to be.

    How long will we hide these things by maneuvering people like Jim Bond into places like the Oklahoma District Church of the Nazarene? How long will Michael Thompson guide the pastors to allow and enable harms to be done to protect the establishment of what is no longer a church. I hope the denomination pays for the advice that has been distributed on their behalf. I pray that they finally learn the true cost of being more concerned about liability than humanity.
    You are not the church if you sacrifice children for dollars. You are not a church if you refuse to acknowledge when you are using shame to control people. You are not a church. Period.
    Quit deflecting. Quit hiding behind arguments about issues that you deem “more important,” like how to exclude LGBT people and those who love them.
    Get off the pinnacle, out of your ivory tower, return to your senses. This is not holiness.
    I followed my call, the God given call to relationship and love, right out of the Church of the Nazarene (Official). I knew it was coming. I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to stay if I didn’t comply, and I knew I would not be complicit in this story any longer. But as I told Kendall Franklin when we moved to the Kansas District Church of the Nazarene… I will be here for those who are waking up to these realities. I will do my own work so that I am able to support the pastors and spouses and those harmed by the enabling of perpetual abuse by this denomination.
    Four generations of my family have trusted you, served as many ways as possible, given until it hurts… It stops with me. No more.
    If you have encountered these kinds of situations, if the denomination has dismissed or threatened or discarded you in response… I see you. You are not alone.
    If you have been struggling with addiction that has led you farther than you know how to admit and you need support to move into healthier patterns… I see you. You are not alone.
    If you have been screaming into the inky blackness of the void that is the heart of this denomination for so long that you are work out and your voice is gone… I see you. You are not alone.
    Check in. Reach out. There is hope beyond the breaking hearts we should all have at this news.
    I love you, all. And I’m calling those of you who are offended by this message to do better…
    1f49c done.1f49c done.1f49c done.

  • lights

    Oh, today. You were welcomed early after a short night. You began with a slow burn and ended with embers of a life mid-unmaking.

    Today, we made plans for how to proceed with the intentional religious instruction of our family as we search for a community in which we can be safe and really be present moving forward.
    Today, we made a mess decorating for Christmas because the twinkling pinpoints of hope are desperately needed right now.
    Today, we both relaxed and leaned into the discomfort of the changes that have come and are still happening.
    I cried in the wee dark hours of the morning, grieving the losses of so many friends. I celebrated the courage of a friend I haven’t known long. I ate the most delicious cookies and was thankful for the kind care of a new friend. And I laughed over the most ridiculous things with the oldest and dearest friend of my adult life.
    If the day you had was one that also contained mountains and valleys… I see you. If you’re ending the night unsure of what tomorrow will bring… I see you. If everything seems messy as things come together… I see you.
    Our house is much brighter than it has been in many years. But tonight, it’s all lights on duty. I’m holding onto hope.
    I can hold on for you, too. If you just can’t, I get it. I’ve been there. Tonight, I have enough light to share. Some pinpoints of steady light, some changing in seemingly random ways, some constantly shifting but in predictable ways… sometimes hope is defiant. And sometimes, it’s okay to sit in the darkness and just watch for what’s next.
    I love you, friends.
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  • i love you

    On a day that had been hard anyway, headed into an appointment I was dreading, after a meeting I regret… an older woman spoke up to tell me she loved my shirt. It took me a moment to catch what she meant, and by the time I looked up she was almost past. Almost… but not quite. As my eyes found hers, she smiled. I said a quiet thank you and kept going.

    It’s hard to know who is safe anymore. Many are debating wearing things that identify them as such, while others are frustrated at the performative nature of things like that. When safety is not felt, it cannot be forced. I get that.
    For me, the clothes I have taken to wearing over the last several years have become a beacon. People notice the messages. They share their stories. Strangers and I laugh and cry and then walk away from each other, never to speak again. It’s not performative. It’s because people matter. Choosing health matters. Empowering us all and each to do better matters. Allowing people to really show up matters.
    Love matters.
    Today’s shirt? Simply true. I will love out loud for all those who aren’t safe enough to do so.
    And it’s Christmas time in our house. No ifs, ands. or buts about it. Because twinkling lights are the only way to end a day like today.
    Know you are invincibly precious just as you are. Right now, without changing a thing, you are loveable and worthy. And I will speak this over and over and over you until you can say it to yourself… and even after.
    I love you.
    1f49c i love you1f49c i love you1f49c i love you
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  • liturgy after loss

    This landed in my awareness at just the right time in the wee hours of this morning when I was resting fitfully. I am now praying this liturgy repeatedly this morning.

    “At times my urge is to foster a false harmony through silence or by pretending to agree, diluting my beliefs to ease this tension that broods over us.”
    So many with whom I am journeying now are struggling with the outcome of the election. Trauma responses are high, felt safety is non-existent, and it is so difficult to reconcile the world in which we now exist with continued life or possibility or hope…
    At the same time, there are so many around me who believe the outcome that occurred is best. Those with whom I have been close, whom I have sat with and held space for and have deeply done life together… many voted for what they believe to be economic policies that will better their lives financially. Many voted for the party that has always been the “right” choice. Many voted for the only option they believed they had.
    “When I feel judged or attacked, I want to tighten my arguments to prove I am right and protect myself from pain.
    Anger beckons me toward self-righteousness;
    I lose empathy and cannot see the other as they are.”
    Existing in the midst of the two groups on either side of the current conversations has created a bubble in which I have made space for further processing of my own, and I am deeply saddened at the recognitions of how entrenched the harmful thought patterns are and all the damage they can still do.
    “Remind me that this person I have loved so long is not now my enemy.
    May I give no ground to our true enemy, who seeks to choke out what is good and beautiful and tangle us with hatred and dissent.
    Keep my heart tender, yet strong to forgive as you have forgiven me.”
    We are so divided. The world is so broken. Our communities are so ravaged by fear and anger and doubt that many are moving with eyes downcast, praying just to make it from place to place without encountering further pain. At the same time, others are moving through the country with such elation at the perceived “win” that they are completely unaware of why or how this is any different than any election in the past. They do not comprehend (and many do not care) that their celebration further communicates to people around them that the pain caused by these systems of oppression and violence matters far less than the price of groceries, goods, or gas.
    If you feel that you have won this past week, please be compassionate with those who are grieving all the losses your win represents for them. If you feel you have lost this week, please be compassionate with yourself as you move through all that is to come.
    As for me, I am working hard to allow my responses to be gracious to both sides. I am moving to dig into the privilege I do have and understand as much as possible how to use it to effect change. And also, I am making time to sit with the reality of the continued harms from my lifetime, recognizing the ways in which shame is still being weaponized and refusing to allow those patterns of violence against myself to take over.
    “Let me not attempt to force them now into my own image, but teach me to trust that you keep reaching out to them even when I discern no immediate evidence of your movements.”
    I have control only over myself. My presence or absence. My choices. My voice or my silence. My compassionate or violent responses. I control me, not others’ perception of me. Not others. I will not force anyone to do or hear or believe or choose.
    I will love.
    I will live love out loud.
    I will love myself out loud through boundaries that keep me safe.
    I will love others out loud through as compassionate presentation and application of those boundaries as is possible for each situation.
    “Let me embody your care by pressing in, knowing you can use even my awkward attempts at truth and honesty when they are offered in love.”
    I will likely get it wrong sometimes. Please, forgive me. Call me out. Push back. For it is the primary aim of my life to love better. Just know that I will no longer be quiet to maintain comfort. Not my own or anyone else’s is worth the life and safety of any other.
    This week may be radically different than the last, or it may be more of the same.
    I can’t control what comes, but I will choose love in response.
    Drop your shoulders.
    Lower your tongue from the roof of your mouth.
    Relax your eyebrows.
    Loosen your stomach.
    Hand on your heart.
    Breathe deep.
    I love you.
    1f49c liturgy after loss1f49c liturgy after loss1f49c liturgy after loss
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  • before sunrise

    It’s early here… 4:30am is not a time I would normally choose to witness. A combination of health issues and their treatments leading to extreme anxiety and insomnia, the news, and projects that I want to complete to show my love and support for people who will likely be equally reeling as today dawns…
    I’m finally understanding more clearly how we are ending up here. In all the heres in my life, there is much in common. Abuse is dismissed as inevitable and incurable. Children are taught unquestioning compliance as a spiritual discipline. Shame is weaponized to assert control. And liability… economy… money… dollars… are spoken of as the most important marker of success. Both within the church and beyond into the political arena, from dear people who don’t live as if the words they speak are true as well as from those who very clearly exhibit the exact things they say, this is an echoing refrain.
    This won’t be the baseline for normal my children grow up with. I will do all I can to lay a different foundation. One that normalizes the ability and responsibility to change. Change is human. It’s terrifying, and hard, and heavy… but I will not go back to settling for compliance over connection. I will not go back to being silent to keep a peace that was never truly made. I will work in all the ways in which I am called to seek shalom by the abolishment of systems of oppression and violence that have become the status quo.
    The Church I was raised in and raised by is not the church of the Nazarene. It was a collection of people who believed that holiness was possible as that denomination used to believe… not as it currently is exhibiting. It was a ragtag band of people who found for generations that humans were essential, gave freedom for the care and keeping of those humans, and united in the belief that it was God who did the perfecting… not the rules.
    Since that faith tradition no longer exists, I will seek to find or create the healthy and healing community that is so desperately needed to combat the brokenness that has taken over. I will live love out loud in all the ways possible for all the people I can so that the legacy I leave reflects the work of all those who have paved the track so I could learn to fly over the hurdles and cross the finish line.
    You can agree or disagree. Your opinions, your thoughts, your ideas, your story, your lived experiences are valuable and I am more than willing to hold space for you to share them. No judgement, regardless of what you have to say. We don’t have to agree to sit and talk. It’s often in the safety of a calm conversation that we can learn what unites us instead of just being told what divides us.
    I’m here if you need to talk something through, cry something out, work something over, or just sit in silence in a space where you aren’t alone. You’re welcome to show up just as you are.
    For now, I am practicing what I “preach”
    Lowering my shoulders
    Relaxing my eyebrows
    Dropping the tongue from the roof of my mouth
    Loosening my stomach
    Hand on my heart…
    And breathing slowly and deeply, feeling the beating or purpose in my chest, believing that good things happen, love is real, and we will be okay.
    The sun is just beginning to brighten the sky outside. And as it spreads its warmth to the far reaches of the spaces around the globe where my people are, I send my love on its rays.
    May this day be what you need it to be. May you speak love even if your voice cracks. May you recognize a moment in which you know that you are loved and loveable and invincibly precious.
    Because you are.
    I love you.
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  • birthday again

    38 is all but over. In a little less than half an hour, the calendar will turn and I will walk on into being 39. This day of transition often leads to much contemplation. Some years the self assessments have landed far more critically than others. Today, though, I have found myself noticing with gratitude that even though my system is still incredibly uncomfortable when things are going well, I can see that the baseline has shifted, and that life has leveled out significantly.

    Someone thanked me today for living into my call, even as they recognized how difficult it has been to do so. As I look toward the next year of life, I am just so incredibly thankful to have the affirmation that choosing health is making a difference… not only in me, but in my family, in my work, in my whole life… and beyond all of that into those lives to which I have been gifted access.
    This past year has been one of really learning in which healthy systems I would continue to engage, and where it was time to quit trying to force myself into a space that is not (and probably never was) healthy or healing.
    For the coming year, that’s my goal. Intentionally, consistently, specifically, authentically showing up.
    In this, the last year of my 30s, I will be more me than I have ever been. And I believe this will be the year when I start to find the people who are not just tolerant of that reality, but embrace me for all of who I am, largely because I have finally learned to do the same.
    This mid-life period often seems to wreak havoc. I’ve seen it bring instability and insecurity to varying degrees in those I know. Somehow, for me, I both wish it would hurry up, and am working to not push forward too fast.
    But… bring on the grey hair and 50s so that I can be who I have felt like I was since I was 10! 1f602 birthday again
    Monday is almost here. I’m off to celebrate aging with a good night’s sleep. Thank you all for sticking with me.
    I love you!
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