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And suddenly, another day was over as quickly as it began.

Today was quite the experience. We began at Nairobi National Park before the sun was up, wanting to make sure that we got to see the animals before they sought shelter in the heat of the day. This turned out to be a very good decision.

Click here to see the pictures!

Throughout the time in the park, I had the recurring thought that it was incredible to see all of these different kinds of animals together in one place. Previously, the closest I had come to anything like this was various zoos and nature preserves in the US. There is no comparison. If you want to really get a sense of how small you are and how much more important the balance of community is… come to Kenya.

This place certainly has a way of putting things into a new perspective. I suppose that might be true anytime you travel to a place that is completely beyond your normal borders. But for me, Kenya will always be the place that expanded my horizons.

Tonight, I’m processing things that have been happening. No trip is without bumps, I’m sure. Neither has this one been. I am beyond blessed, however, to be in a place where the mess does not overwhelm the message.

Life is like Nairobi National Park was. There are plenty of beautiful things to see… but it’s not without heaps of dung scattered around. I think my takeaway today is learning to make avoiding the piles look like a dance instead of stumbling around and ultimately falling into the poop.

Cindy played this song the other night, and it’s been running through my head ever since. It was brand new to me, but it is incredible. And I think it would be a great song for slow dancing past the piles in the arms of a loving God.

Please come, friends.

I love you!!!
💜💜💜

Day three begins early. After another evening of talking around the table, and then phone calls to yesterday to check in at home, we are up before the sun for safari day! 

I am so overwhelmed with God’s presence here. In the deep conversations with those who have quickly become dear to my heart, I experience an indescribable increase in my understanding of who God is and how much he loves me. 

Being in a place that I’ve never been before and having it feel so much like home is strange. Never in a million years would I have dreamed that I would be somewhere like this. And now I can’t imagine it will be the only time. It would break my heart to never return. 

I’m off to see the wild while most of you sleep!

I love you, friends!

💜💜💜

There is so much happening so quickly that my brain is struggling to pick out any one thing to focus on and write about. It is strange, and yet quite refreshing, to be in a place with like-minded people. Finding a place at a table where life and love and the confluence of the two are being discussed in healing ways is so life-giving.

Last night, there was a group of six of us sitting and eating and sharing. Around that table, there were five different countries represented, all with different stories of how they have encountered evil… and how God is at work. We sat and talked for hours, sharing life and prodding thoughts progressively heavenward. It was incredible. I didn’t know most of these people before today, but in so many ways, this is family.

A year ago today, I posted on Facebook that I was preparing… I was going to a meeting to which I had been invited, but it very much felt dangerous. The contribution that I had to make was not popular or desirable. It did not feel safe to speak, and yet I didn’t feel like I could stay silent. In many ways, this night felt like a nail in the coffin… that it was the beginning of the end.

And I suppose it was.

It was the beginning of the end of doubting. It was the beginning of the end of fear. It was the beginning of the end of insecurity. It was the beginning of the end of sitting in the belly of the fish and wishing to see the sun.

Just because fish guts were normal… even having become comfortable because of how long I had been sitting there, I feel like I was doing all I could to hide how messy I was from being there.  I put on makeup not for the joy of doing it, but as a way to hide how unworthy I felt to be in the spaces where God was leading.

I was still hiding from who I had been created and called to be.

This morning, I got up and got ready for the day. No makeup was involved. I skipped it for many reasons (heat, sweat, exhaustion…) not the least of which was that it isn’t needed here. Yesterday I met a few people, but this was the real beginning of the time here and the work that was being done, and I couldn’t decide what to wear. I finally landed on identifying with the call that brought me here.

The air here is thinner. Sometimes it’s harder to breathe. But this morning, I am thankful for the cool air. I’m blessed to be in a space where God is at work. And I am challenged to boldly step into the role that he has for me on that journey, bare-faced and brave.

Day one was really long. In reality, it was two days long… maybe three. And technically, it isn’t over.

I left Kansas City on Tuesday morning. Flying into New York was interesting. I’ve never been there, so it was exciting to see some of the things from the air that I have only seen images of. At the advice of people who have crossed more time zones than I have, I immediately set to work getting on Africa time. That was simple enough because I had slept very little the night before and was ready for some! I popped a handful of vitamins and melatonin and went to sleep.  It was about 2130 Kenya time then.

When I woke up about eight hours later, I was feeling pretty good and managed to stay awake for several hours, only taking a brief nap before heading to JFK to get on the long flight. Once on board, I decided I would wait until after dinner was served to sleep again. That mostly worked, except I couldn’t get to sleep. After shifting and dozing for a few hours, they served another meal. 😳.

Once that second service was complete, things seemed to settle down a bit. I turned on a movie I had seen a million times before, and I went to sleep. I woke to the sun rising outside my window a few hours later. I love what it does to the top of the clouds when I’m in the air! Breakfast came shortly, and then it was time to start winding down. I got everything put back together and watched anxiously for my first glimpse of Africa. We rode on top of gorgeous clouds pretty much all the way into Nairobi.

Getting off the plane, gathering luggage, and making it through customs were a breeze. It was less than a half hour from when I landed to when I was streetside and ready to go!
Henry, the amazing driver from ANU, and Pastor Jane came to pick me up. We were off to the mall to pick up a few things, and then it was on to campus. Today has been busy keeping moving to stay awake, lunch
and dinner with people to facilitate engagement and plan for meetings that are starting tomorrow, and then a solid night’s sleep before we hit the ground running tomorrow.

More meaningful posts are coming, I promise! I’m just processing everything today. It’s a big deal to step foot on a new continent.

For now, know that I love you… even from the future!

💜💜💜

I stepped into the silence of an empty sanctuary this afternoon and closed my eyes. Something about this last few weeks has had my heart begging for a moment like this. I had been working up the courage to seek it out. Instead of waiting on me, God offered me the opportunity and invited me to come. Taking a deep breath, I stepped further in… and waited.

Facing the cross at the front… alone… with the whole world outside a closed door behind me, I waited.

Coming down to the end of planning for this trip and getting to the place where it is time to close up the suitcases and get on the plane, I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed in my spirit. Wondering why I am the one about to go to a different country to meet new people and talk about my journey is common right now… along with the sheer terror. But someone that I met on the road to where I am now told me that they used to ask their kids, “Why not you?” I can no longer count the number of times that I have said this to myself, especially in the last week. Why not me? God called me. God has equipped me. God has provided for me. So why not me?

As I began to walk the quiet aisles of this church I do not know, the stained glass caught my attention. I’ve never paid much attention when the windows are far removed, off in the distance, casting colors but untouchable. But in this place… the window was close enough to touch.

The jagged edges of the glass made me smile, calling to mind the rough places in me that God is still working on. It was as if he was whispering to me just how much he could do with someone willing, even if there were still imperfections being refined.

The image created by the broken pieces of glass struck me, too. Purple has become a healing color in my life. I’m not sure exactly where it began, but seeing this amazing image of a purple butterfly was as welcome as the cool breeze that had greeted me when I stepped outside this morning. Recognizing the transformation represented by the butterfly, I spent several moments considering how the same has occurred in my own life…

From the very beginning of this day, I have been sensing the liminality of the space in which I find myself.

Tomorrow is the last day of this part of life. Tuesday morning, I begin a journey. I’m unsure what is on the other side of the threshold, and the uncertainty is scary. Throughout this day, though, I have found God in moments that have reminded me that he is with me on the journey.

He’s quietly waiting in places where I have known him before but been wary of because church hurt hits hard… and he is in countries where I have never been, waiting in the eyes of people who also are hurting. He is on both sides of this space and time, cheering me on and beckoning me forward.

For the last several years, I have laid claim to Psalm 73:26. Not because it excuses my weaknesses. Rather because it empowers me to survive them… and know that God can use even those.

The butterfly from outside.

This weekend, I felt very much that my heart and my flesh were failing. But God showed up… and I’m forever grateful.

This weekend, I went from seeing the stained glass from the outside to experiencing it in the sanctuary… and I am changed.

The beauty inside.

At this time next week, I will be on the longest flight of my life so far. Preparation for this trip has been stretching, and the study and reading and learning and connecting I have done in the course of it have brought me to a new place of acceptance… of myself, of my journey, and my call.

It’s not been without challenges, though… and sometimes the stretching just plain hurts. 

I’ve come to believe that many people are struggling with pain that they have no hope of escaping, often stuck in the silence of shame that is put on them in order to keep the peace. 

And so, there is none. 

Because peace cannot be kept if it is not first made. 

And the making of peace is a consuming process that few undertake for fear of isolation that they have not yet realized has taken over anyway. 

I am learning that I must change my story. I’m the only one who can. While the past is already written, I must speak up instead of defaulting to silence for the future to be different. I must lean into the discomfort that I have historically run from. I must stand for those who have been hurt… and that has to start with myself. 

Sometimes, that seems to be the hardest task… to stand up for me against my own internal critic as I learn that love begins inside. Loving me is the only way that I can love others to any extent or degree. I love you AS I love myself. All of which is only truly accomplished once I love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

In standing up for myself and learning to love myself enough to speak up, I have found (and am still finding) a community that surrounds me and supports me in ways I never dreamed possible. God has shown up in ways that I didn’t even think to ask him to. 

Now the peace that is made can spread… but only as I then do the work to keep it.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Thanks for praying me through. 

I love you, friends.

💜💜💜

I purged a lot of things tonight.

Morning always brings a new perspective. The shift from darkness to light is significant every single time I watch it happen. Whether it is because I don’t like mornings and so there is always a reason I’m up to see it or whether it is because sunrise is a time when God is able to speak to me more clearly, I don’t know. But sitting up and seeing the dark, night sky change colors and then be bright has tremendous impact on my spirit.