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Today felt longer than other days. It was good, don’t get me wrong. Chapel this morning was amazing. Roland brought the concept of resting in God’s identity of love as God himself demonstrated for us on the seventh day of creation. This is something that is possible today, as we see in Hebrews 4.

Instead of being zealous and exerting and striving diligently for things that we hope and think will secure our identity, we can work to make sure that we can enter God’s rest in obedience to his call.

I would hate to look back forty years from now and realize that I walked all over the desert because I refused to believe I was good enough to enter the promised land…

After chapel we got to have lunch with some old friends for Roland and new friends for me. It is so nice to meet people who feel so familiar in a land where everything is new. Today, as I worked on a plate full of minnows that were so graciously provided for my enjoyment, this was especially appreciated.

After chapel was a meeting with someone who wanted to talk to me. I still find it challenging to be seen as someone who can help other people. Though I’ve always offered people various kinds of assistance, it is challenging to believe I have something to offer without typing something or creating something or doing something for them. But it was a genuinely good talk and I was so thankful to have been able to sit with her and listen. I prayed for her at the end, and then was so blessed by her prayer for not only me, but Sean and the boys, as well. It was amazing to hear her heart for these people whom she doesn’t even know beyond they let me come here and she wanted God to bless them as they waited for my return.

Dinner and more chatting tonight. Contemplating the movement required toward God and all the different spaces in which that motion might be possible. And now back to “real” life for a bit as I try and write a paper about developmental disabilities. It’s a bit of a shock to still be doing such a mundane thing as I am in these extraordinary circumstances, but I am so thankful to be able to maintain my coursework from here so that I stay on track to finish next fall.

I’m off to write quickly and then sleep… hopefully in that order.

I love you, friends!
💜💜💜

I struggled with feeling like I was in the wrong place this morning. I woke up around 6am to a message from home that Ean was struggling. He was tired and had ended up in our bed with Sean because he was scared of having bad dreams. I felt like a failure. What kind of mom am I to be clear around the world while my youngest still needs me at home? I responded to him and prayed for him, and then went back to sleep. That was the best thing I could do from here. But I didn’t like the feeling.

Shame winds its way into our lives in so many ways, doesn’t it? Until we become conscious of its power and impact, I don’t think that we are able to really recognize all of the different areas in which we are subjected to and subject others to the devastating division that comes from shame.

The more aware that I become of shame’s effects, the more I am able to catch it as it is sneaking in and arrest its momentum. This is such an empowering process that enables me live a life that is much fuller than ever before. And not just full, but meaning-full. 

Today held a lot of God moments. Chapel this morning was incredible. Reading back through stories that I have known my whole life with the new lenses that I am gaining and then the context in which they were written feels like hearing all new stories. It is powerful to find all of the different examples of being set free for the sake of freedom into a new life.

Also exciting, today, was the dedication of the new keyboard that was brought yesterday. Thanks to those who donated to this need, we have been able to get it addressed in time to make an impact this week!

It was a joy to not only get to coordinate this effort, but to see the coming together of so many people from so many different areas of my life in support of it. You all are such a gift to me, and I am thankful for you.

Tonight, dinner held so much more than just food to feed my body. Being in this small community of people who are so earnestly seeking God, especially when it is difficult to do so is completely refreshing. The people here have become quite dear to my heart already, and I especially cherish my time with Roland and Cindy. I am honored to be able to sit and learn from these two and never feel as if I am less for not already knowing the answers to questions. 

Another nighttime will quickly turn to another morning. The speed of life is slower here, but the rhythms are the same. 

I love you, friends!
💜💜💜

Where on earth did Monday go?!? This morning as we prepared for the opening chapel of Holiness Week here on ANU’s campus, I had some time to read and pray before heading over. And then service… Roland sharing his story with us as the setup for the rest of the week was such an incredible honor. I cannot imagine many people who would not be able to hear in his story some part of their own. 

After the service, I had the privilege of praying with a young lady at the altar. We talked about shame and how the enemy likes to keep reminding us of things that we have done wrong in the past. And then we talked about how God’s loving voice would not do that. We prayed over her, and it was incredible to see her spirits lift as she was finally coming to believe that the shame did not hold her captive and that there is hope beyond it. This sweet sister joined us for lunch, and we were so blessed to get to know her more and hear her story.

It was not just her, though, reports are that others were having these same important conversations around campus this afternoon. I am so hoping that the truths Roland spoke this morning resonate in hearts tonight and that they come ready to encounter God tomorrow morning. 

There is much freedom for freedom’s sake to be found in allowing God to be God and love to be enough.

This afternoon, I got to go on an adventure. Aruté (I’m not positive how to spell his name, but he was amazing) took me to Nairobi, where we were able to purchase the new digital piano that several generous friends sent funds for! We brought it back to the tabernacle, where it was excitedly received. We hope for it to be set up and ready for tomorrow’s service.

I have stopped questioning why I am here. God has made it clear that there is much to learn and great work to be done within me, if nothing else. And I am praying that I can make a difference somehow. If nothing else, I speak to others the same way I speak to myself now… and love continually proves to be enough. 

On to chapel day two tomorrow! Thank you so much for all of your prayers and kind messages. They definitely are an encouragement as I survive a bit of homesickness heading into a week away from there. I’m thankful for family of all sorts holding down all the forts and for this budding branch of the family tree being here with me. It is the gift of God for my life right now.

I love you all!!!
💜💜💜

Sunday has ended here. It was a quiet day, containing only church and lunch. This morning, there was time for silent prayer and reflection before the service. The quiet here is different than at home. Beyond just not having children around me (which is strange, indeed), the noises that do occur in times of solitude seem more natural. Insect sounds, birds, dogs barking… Off in the distance, there may be talking and laughter, sometimes music from various directions. But it contributes to a reflection and communion with God that is more difficult to find in the rush of life back home.

Church this morning was an incredible experience. I have had the pleasure of worshipping with international congregations before, but this was still a much different time. In the songs that I didn’t understand, God’s presence was very apparent. And the message… Oh, the message. While there were many parts that were impactful and well-stated, the main thing that I took was a statement the speaker made toward the end.

“There is a cost to obedience. But if you are with God, the benefits are everlasting.”

You’d have a hard time convincing me that God didn’t tap me on my shoulder and make sure I was paying attention right then. What a powerful truth. There IS a cost to obedience. Nothing wishy-washy there. It’s not new information. But I certainly can sense the weight of it in a whole different way here in Kenya.

After service was a lunch full of deep conversations and life-giving community. I do not have a way to convey how fulfilling it is to be able to sit with those who have done deep work and learn from them. To be allowed the privilege of even just listening is incredible. To be gifted with the ability to question and dig into my own understanding and journey is something that I couldn’t have even dreamed of.

Returning home late in the afternoon, I rested. I was tired. And instead of pushing through to try and do something halfway that needed more attention than I could give, I laid down and slept. With contemplative music playing, I would stir and hear something meaningful, breathe a prayer and fall back asleep. It was the most restful nap I have had in a very long time. 

The late evening was spent in solitude. Preparing for the coming week, I have been physically writing in a prayer journal. It is a practice that I have not done with any regularity before and I find it interesting to see how the conversation flows from earth to heaven and back again on paper. 

Tomorrow starts Holiness Week services here. From the sounds of it, this will be a different kind of week than anyone here has ever experienced. Please be in prayer with us that God’s work will be accomplished and the insidious spirit of shame will be broken in this place. Pray for Roland as he brings his story and shares how God has led him to understand the impact shame has on our lives. Pray for Cindy as she moves in these relationships that have been forged over years of service. Pray that hearts will be receptive and that God will be present. 

Good night from all the way around the world…
I love you, friends. 
💜💜💜

And suddenly, another day was over as quickly as it began.

Today was quite the experience. We began at Nairobi National Park before the sun was up, wanting to make sure that we got to see the animals before they sought shelter in the heat of the day. This turned out to be a very good decision.

Click here to see the pictures!

Throughout the time in the park, I had the recurring thought that it was incredible to see all of these different kinds of animals together in one place. Previously, the closest I had come to anything like this was various zoos and nature preserves in the US. There is no comparison. If you want to really get a sense of how small you are and how much more important the balance of community is… come to Kenya.

This place certainly has a way of putting things into a new perspective. I suppose that might be true anytime you travel to a place that is completely beyond your normal borders. But for me, Kenya will always be the place that expanded my horizons.

Tonight, I’m processing things that have been happening. No trip is without bumps, I’m sure. Neither has this one been. I am beyond blessed, however, to be in a place where the mess does not overwhelm the message.

Life is like Nairobi National Park was. There are plenty of beautiful things to see… but it’s not without heaps of dung scattered around. I think my takeaway today is learning to make avoiding the piles look like a dance instead of stumbling around and ultimately falling into the poop.

Cindy played this song the other night, and it’s been running through my head ever since. It was brand new to me, but it is incredible. And I think it would be a great song for slow dancing past the piles in the arms of a loving God.

Please come, friends.

I love you!!!
💜💜💜

Day three begins early. After another evening of talking around the table, and then phone calls to yesterday to check in at home, we are up before the sun for safari day! 

I am so overwhelmed with God’s presence here. In the deep conversations with those who have quickly become dear to my heart, I experience an indescribable increase in my understanding of who God is and how much he loves me. 

Being in a place that I’ve never been before and having it feel so much like home is strange. Never in a million years would I have dreamed that I would be somewhere like this. And now I can’t imagine it will be the only time. It would break my heart to never return. 

I’m off to see the wild while most of you sleep!

I love you, friends!

💜💜💜

There is so much happening so quickly that my brain is struggling to pick out any one thing to focus on and write about. It is strange, and yet quite refreshing, to be in a place with like-minded people. Finding a place at a table where life and love and the confluence of the two are being discussed in healing ways is so life-giving.

Last night, there was a group of six of us sitting and eating and sharing. Around that table, there were five different countries represented, all with different stories of how they have encountered evil… and how God is at work. We sat and talked for hours, sharing life and prodding thoughts progressively heavenward. It was incredible. I didn’t know most of these people before today, but in so many ways, this is family.

A year ago today, I posted on Facebook that I was preparing… I was going to a meeting to which I had been invited, but it very much felt dangerous. The contribution that I had to make was not popular or desirable. It did not feel safe to speak, and yet I didn’t feel like I could stay silent. In many ways, this night felt like a nail in the coffin… that it was the beginning of the end.

And I suppose it was.

It was the beginning of the end of doubting. It was the beginning of the end of fear. It was the beginning of the end of insecurity. It was the beginning of the end of sitting in the belly of the fish and wishing to see the sun.

Just because fish guts were normal… even having become comfortable because of how long I had been sitting there, I feel like I was doing all I could to hide how messy I was from being there.  I put on makeup not for the joy of doing it, but as a way to hide how unworthy I felt to be in the spaces where God was leading.

I was still hiding from who I had been created and called to be.

This morning, I got up and got ready for the day. No makeup was involved. I skipped it for many reasons (heat, sweat, exhaustion…) not the least of which was that it isn’t needed here. Yesterday I met a few people, but this was the real beginning of the time here and the work that was being done, and I couldn’t decide what to wear. I finally landed on identifying with the call that brought me here.

The air here is thinner. Sometimes it’s harder to breathe. But this morning, I am thankful for the cool air. I’m blessed to be in a space where God is at work. And I am challenged to boldly step into the role that he has for me on that journey, bare-faced and brave.

Day one was really long. In reality, it was two days long… maybe three. And technically, it isn’t over.

I left Kansas City on Tuesday morning. Flying into New York was interesting. I’ve never been there, so it was exciting to see some of the things from the air that I have only seen images of. At the advice of people who have crossed more time zones than I have, I immediately set to work getting on Africa time. That was simple enough because I had slept very little the night before and was ready for some! I popped a handful of vitamins and melatonin and went to sleep.  It was about 2130 Kenya time then.

When I woke up about eight hours later, I was feeling pretty good and managed to stay awake for several hours, only taking a brief nap before heading to JFK to get on the long flight. Once on board, I decided I would wait until after dinner was served to sleep again. That mostly worked, except I couldn’t get to sleep. After shifting and dozing for a few hours, they served another meal. 😳.

Once that second service was complete, things seemed to settle down a bit. I turned on a movie I had seen a million times before, and I went to sleep. I woke to the sun rising outside my window a few hours later. I love what it does to the top of the clouds when I’m in the air! Breakfast came shortly, and then it was time to start winding down. I got everything put back together and watched anxiously for my first glimpse of Africa. We rode on top of gorgeous clouds pretty much all the way into Nairobi.

Getting off the plane, gathering luggage, and making it through customs were a breeze. It was less than a half hour from when I landed to when I was streetside and ready to go!
Henry, the amazing driver from ANU, and Pastor Jane came to pick me up. We were off to the mall to pick up a few things, and then it was on to campus. Today has been busy keeping moving to stay awake, lunch
and dinner with people to facilitate engagement and plan for meetings that are starting tomorrow, and then a solid night’s sleep before we hit the ground running tomorrow.

More meaningful posts are coming, I promise! I’m just processing everything today. It’s a big deal to step foot on a new continent.

For now, know that I love you… even from the future!

💜💜💜

I stepped into the silence of an empty sanctuary this afternoon and closed my eyes. Something about this last few weeks has had my heart begging for a moment like this. I had been working up the courage to seek it out. Instead of waiting on me, God offered me the opportunity and invited me to come. Taking a deep breath, I stepped further in… and waited.

Facing the cross at the front… alone… with the whole world outside a closed door behind me, I waited.

Coming down to the end of planning for this trip and getting to the place where it is time to close up the suitcases and get on the plane, I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed in my spirit. Wondering why I am the one about to go to a different country to meet new people and talk about my journey is common right now… along with the sheer terror. But someone that I met on the road to where I am now told me that they used to ask their kids, “Why not you?” I can no longer count the number of times that I have said this to myself, especially in the last week. Why not me? God called me. God has equipped me. God has provided for me. So why not me?

As I began to walk the quiet aisles of this church I do not know, the stained glass caught my attention. I’ve never paid much attention when the windows are far removed, off in the distance, casting colors but untouchable. But in this place… the window was close enough to touch.

The jagged edges of the glass made me smile, calling to mind the rough places in me that God is still working on. It was as if he was whispering to me just how much he could do with someone willing, even if there were still imperfections being refined.

The image created by the broken pieces of glass struck me, too. Purple has become a healing color in my life. I’m not sure exactly where it began, but seeing this amazing image of a purple butterfly was as welcome as the cool breeze that had greeted me when I stepped outside this morning. Recognizing the transformation represented by the butterfly, I spent several moments considering how the same has occurred in my own life…

From the very beginning of this day, I have been sensing the liminality of the space in which I find myself.

Tomorrow is the last day of this part of life. Tuesday morning, I begin a journey. I’m unsure what is on the other side of the threshold, and the uncertainty is scary. Throughout this day, though, I have found God in moments that have reminded me that he is with me on the journey.

He’s quietly waiting in places where I have known him before but been wary of because church hurt hits hard… and he is in countries where I have never been, waiting in the eyes of people who also are hurting. He is on both sides of this space and time, cheering me on and beckoning me forward.

For the last several years, I have laid claim to Psalm 73:26. Not because it excuses my weaknesses. Rather because it empowers me to survive them… and know that God can use even those.

The butterfly from outside.

This weekend, I felt very much that my heart and my flesh were failing. But God showed up… and I’m forever grateful.

This weekend, I went from seeing the stained glass from the outside to experiencing it in the sanctuary… and I am changed.

The beauty inside.

At this time next week, I will be on the longest flight of my life so far. Preparation for this trip has been stretching, and the study and reading and learning and connecting I have done in the course of it have brought me to a new place of acceptance… of myself, of my journey, and my call.

It’s not been without challenges, though… and sometimes the stretching just plain hurts. 

I’ve come to believe that many people are struggling with pain that they have no hope of escaping, often stuck in the silence of shame that is put on them in order to keep the peace. 

And so, there is none. 

Because peace cannot be kept if it is not first made. 

And the making of peace is a consuming process that few undertake for fear of isolation that they have not yet realized has taken over anyway. 

I am learning that I must change my story. I’m the only one who can. While the past is already written, I must speak up instead of defaulting to silence for the future to be different. I must lean into the discomfort that I have historically run from. I must stand for those who have been hurt… and that has to start with myself. 

Sometimes, that seems to be the hardest task… to stand up for me against my own internal critic as I learn that love begins inside. Loving me is the only way that I can love others to any extent or degree. I love you AS I love myself. All of which is only truly accomplished once I love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

In standing up for myself and learning to love myself enough to speak up, I have found (and am still finding) a community that surrounds me and supports me in ways I never dreamed possible. God has shown up in ways that I didn’t even think to ask him to. 

Now the peace that is made can spread… but only as I then do the work to keep it.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Thanks for praying me through. 

I love you, friends.

💜💜💜